Britney's a witch?!?!

Yes, Britney has problems, but I think pretty soon we're all going to have problems if we aren't careful about what we say about her-or about her beloved Cheetos, Ho-hos, ding-dongs, etc. I have a theory-a conspiracy theory, if you will-that Britney is a witch, the powers of which we have not seen since Salem circa 1692. Those catchy late 90s lyrics have turned out not to be just #1 hits but serious foreshadowing.

Take for example the line, "I'm not that innocent." No shit. That has become the understatement of the year. We were all a lot more innocent before she paraded her unclothed snatch around town. Oh, the good old days where she just wore a pink thong over her pants. "Oops, I did it again" could apply to a lot of things in her life, like going to and immediately leaving rehab, dropping one of her kiddos, getting married... The list is really endless, so let's chalk this one up to coincidence. This one can't be that easily dismissed though: "You drive me crazy..." Clearly someone has. When that song came out, K-Fed had not yet been unleashed on the world, but Brit Brit apparently knew it was coming. Knowing what we know now, "I'm a slave 4 U" is obviously about fried chicken and cigarettes and "baby one more time" is about having two babies in 13 months. "Toxic"? Clearly.

What will she do with these powers....who knows yet, but you better hurry up and boil an eye of newt and frog's leg before she casts a spell on all of us--I can't spend the rest of my life turned into a chocolate covered pork rind.

Oh, and a couple other notes. First, nice to see that she takes her shit-eating rodent more places than her kids these days. But seriously, who wants those brats tagging along anyway? Responsibility is for those too lazy not to pass it off. And C, she kind of frightens me with that shaved head. Maybe she'll start a Fight Club and something decent will come out of this.

HC

Bikinis for the new year!

So, I know it's been 2 weeks since I've posted and I'm not sure if anyone really cares, but I'm not making any excuses. Except of course that I'm one lazy bastard and that should be enough for all of you. So what I've decided to do is an entire post of bikinis because contrary to normal thinking, winter is bikini season. At least it is when you can head out to Fiji or the Caribbean for the holidays. My lame ass was stuck at home doing absolutely nothing but, watching football and eating bag after bag of Cheetos.

-- One thing first before I get on to the celebrity swimsuit show. Have you guys seen all of these clips of the Donald Trump / Rosie O'Donnell Feud? This stuff is pure comedy. I guess Rosie jabbed at The Donald for going easy on the stripper turned Miss USA last month. Well The Donald and his wacky hair have had some classic quotes. From calling her a "degenerate", "a slob", and "disgusting" he just keeps ranting daily about that fat cow. Personally, I find it completely hilarious. I mean, lets be serious. Being a big, fat dyke is no way to go through life.
Check out The Donald's videos here:

But since this is supposed to be a post filled with hotties, here are some nude pics of The Donald's current wife Melania. And damn is she a hottie, check her out here and here.

Grrrrrrrr.

-- Now on to the bikinis, first up we have Jessica's little sister making some news herself. No, she didn't have her face hit with a mallet again nor was she booed at the Orange bowl again. Ashlee Simpson was at the beach of course, in her bikini. What a weird body this girl has compared to her sister. Jessica has all the curves and Ashlee looks like an androgynous GI Joe action figure. Whatever, her nipple popped out of her bikini and that's all we really care about. At least all I care about.

-- Next up is Fantastic Four's Invisible Woman herself, Jessica Alba. Too bad her bikini isn't invisible but, we'll take whatever we can get. At least she's got some serious nipple action going on and a damn sweet booty. Too bad that bikini combo looks like Stevie Wonder picked it out...

-- Now we have Jessica Biel playing some form of beach ping pong on the beach. What the hell kind of game is that? Whatever it is, if it contributed to her buff-ass arms, sign me up. What's weird is that the only games I play on the beach are "how much sand can I fill my crack with?" and "how many times can someone get sunburned before they learn their lesson?" - I'm currently at 212 times, beat that!

-- And last up in the bikini showdown is the MILF entry of the week in Catherine Zeta Jones. Damn she looks good for being in her late 30's and having popped out a couple kids. I guess she must be drinking some special potion or eating her husband's magic beans to keep looking so hot. Whatever it is, I could care less as long as she keeps showing off those sweet cans, and good lord she's got some great cans. She's my vote for hottest winter bikini wearer of '07.

-- And lastly, this isn't bikini related (well it could be, but I didn't feel like making anyone puke today), I just HAD to post the video of Tara Reid on New Years. First off, I don't know who would go to a party with Tara Reid as the host unless you were looking for a booze and drug fueled orgy - oh yeah...me. And second off, has she lost her mind? What a whack job. If I counted like that, I'd have 18 fingers and 4 peckers.

HC

Jordan spreads holiday cheer, Tara Reid MIGHT be sober, Coco's made of rubber, and a Scrubs Christmas

-- I'm going to start off today with a little holiday cheer that Jordan (Katie Price) was trying to spread a couple days ago. I don't really know how this chick got famous besides of course the fact that she has gigantic bazombas but, she ended up spreading something else. At least showed us she had some heart during the holiday season. Not exactly the heart you would be imagining, but check it our for yourself here and here.

-- Some more pictures of a HC favorite, Heather Graham. Who knows where she's been lately, but Boogie Nights 2 just wouldn't be the same without her. Well, without her naked on roller skates that is. Anyway, here are some pictures of her wearing your mother's 1970's rug but there is a bra slip in one picture. Like you care about a bra slip - unless you're 12. Or really hard up to see some boob. Or a very lonely, lonely man.....





-- Here are some new pictures of the new and improved SOBER Tara Reid with short hair. I mean, if she cut her hair, I figure she probably stopped boozing too - yeah right, like you'd believe that. If you did, I have some pictures of Britney wearing panties and not being a fat hog for you to buy. Tara, just because you got a haircut doesn't mean we forgot that your flopped one of your flapjacks out and showed us your Franken-nipple. Oh wait a minute, I see, your hair isn't any shorter in the last picture, it's just trimmed and pulled back. Great, then we can expect a full fledged drunken episode at any minute! That's the Tara we know and love!



-- CoCo's ass is unreal. Seriously, it can't be real. I took Physics in my 3rd sophomore year of college and we learned about quarks and atoms, but nothing about ass cheeks like these. I think this is something that the president definitely needs to start up a national investigation on, we don't have any other pressing matters do we? I honestly don't know what to say, do, or think about these pictures. I mean, she looks pretty hot, but she could just as easily be my Uncle Johnny. I'm so confused!





-- And just to end this post on a bit of a holiday note, here is the Charlie Brown Christmas, performed by the cast of Scrubs. Simply fantastic. So, "for the love of God, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and his Technicolor dream coat" watch it!




Happy Holidays ya'll.

HC

Spears slutty again, Love Hewitt & Aniston bikini clad & Posh's pokies

-- Well, hope everyone had a good weekend. So, I opened up my email this morning to see if there was any celebrity naughtiness this past weekend, and what do I find but more Britney Spears pictures. Seriously, this is getting ridiculous. They aren't even that special anymore, this time it was just a lace dress number that you can probably pick up at Ho's - R - Us for $9.99 and some pink underwear. Woo-hoo! Way to spice it up Britney. She should really just start wearing pasties and a loincloth. Or better yet, nude colored underwear with pictures of her nips and vag taped to the front. That's classy with a capital K. If you want to see the Queen of White Trash, here she is here and here.

-- Anyway now that I'm done with my requisite Britney / Lindsay / Paris story, on to some better stuff. Like Jennifer Love Hewitt in a bikini. JLove is a sly little girl, always covering herself up so you can't see her enormous chest. Well this bikini isn't hiding a thing. Good for us. Maybe next time we see her she'll be wearing a different suit. It starts with "Birt" and ends with "day".




-- And now in a shocking move, I have more bikini pictures, this time of Jennifer Aniston. Now Aniston has really been out of the public eye ever since her divorce from Brad Pitt. Even when she was dating Vince Vaughn, you didn't see them much unless they were watching the Cubs lose. Well here she is at the beach and I'll tell you something. When did she get that sweet ass? If I'd known she had that when Friends was on, I might have actually watched it. Or at least fast forwarded through it to scenes with Aniston. Maybe she got it as part of the divorce settlement with Pitt. Like maybe it was an ass that he had caught on a safari in Africa and brought it back, but once they split everything, the ass was hers.






-- I know these pictures of Victoria Beckham are old, but I'll tell you one thing I like is, see-through tops and nipples. So, if I want to show pictures of Posh from last year here, here, here, and here that are see-through, I'll damn well do it. If I want to show see through pictures of Eleanor Roosevelt I'll do that too. Don't tempt me. Anyway, I like personally like these pics of Posh because she doesn't look like a mannequin or that she belongs at Madame Tussuad's. She actually looks pretty hot. Even if her nipples look like they belong in Area 51 with the rest of the flying saucers around here. And speaking of those cruise missiles she calls boobs, if you want a decent view of them sans clothing check them out here.

-- And to finish up, I have a couple SNL notes for you. The first one is a hilarious video for you from this past Saturday Night's show. It's called Cock in a Box, and it is comedy gold.





And the second is a picture of Amy Poehler topless on the beach. And no, I'm not kidding. And yes, you may throw up after looking at this picture. And no, I'm not taking any responsibility for your medical bills. And yes, I did look at it and may be permanently scarred. So I leave it up to you if you want to check out what looks to be the whitest woman on the planet sunning topless.


HC

Britney's See-through, Scarlett's a Pussycat, and Pam is Photoshopped

-- First up today, we are going to start right off with the Queen of White Trash herself, Britney Spears. I don't know what's been up with this girl since she filed for divorce from Cletus himself - KFed, but she's starting to drift into Anna Nicole territory here. It started off with a couple exposed bra shots which really aren't a big deal now. Then it went to panty-less escapades and pictures of the cleanly shaven clam. Now that was fun and all for a little while, but honestly, even Britney's beaver can get old after a while. So what has she done now? Well, the only thing that would make sense. Wear a white lace top without a bra of course! I guess I really don't have a problem with her showing us all of her naughtiness one bit at a time, but I just wish she'd make the full leap to Playboy for one major reason......Photo shop.




-- And while we are on the subject of Photoshopping, has everyone seen the newest Playboy? First of all, who really wants to see Pamela Anderson in their Playboy anymore? She's been in it 10 or 15 times already, so does someone go to the new stand thinking they might see something new? Did she grow a 3rd boob while married to Kid Rock or something that I am not aware of?? Let's face the facts, Pam's looking haggard and tired and that barb wire tattoo is about as fresh as the cheese culture in the back of my fridge. One thing she did do that was mildly interesting / entertaining was dress up with the Pussycat Dolls for a show. Not that seeing her in lingerie is anything new, but she finally looks truly at home dressed as a stripper.

-- Another much hotter star also showed up with the Pussycat Dolls lately and no computer altering was needed. Well actually, we could use some computer X-ray glasses right about now but whatever. Beggars can't be choosers. Yes, the one and only hottest woman in Hollywood, Scarlett Johansson stripped down to her skives and shook her moneymaker with the Dolls. Oh Glorious day. And for the millionth time, who do I need to complain to about my ticket being lost in the mail???? Seriously though, these are some of the sexiest pictures I've seen since my grandma got her online dating profile mixed up with my birthday card. What a fantastic 8th birthday that was!





Scarlett's also appeared in some Louis Vuitton ads lately, which the gay guy in the cubicle next to me told me is not a type of liquor but a brand of purse. Who knew gays were so valuable? Anyway, her Pussycat pics are way better, but she is in her undies so I'm not complaining. But seriously, if you are shopping for a handbag and ended up at this site, you are either a complete fool or dip shit. You choose. Either way, here's Scarlett.



HC