Scarlett's ugly dress, Anne wants to get naked, X-tina teases and Jessica stands there

--Scarlett shows off her "love handles" in the worst dress ever worn to a red-carpet event. At the premiere of The Prestige, the normally stunning Johansson showed up in this garbage. Although she's been voted the "Sexiest Woman Alive", dresses like this don't do much to keep that idea going. Why would she purposefully wear a dress that smashes her cans against her chest and makes it look like she has a John Belushi gut? Who knows, I guess she's reached the hotness level that even if she showed up with a case of Natural light, a beer gut and a 5 o'clock shadow, we'd still think she was hot. And other Scarlett news, there maybe an audio sex tape surfacing. I don't know if that's something to really get excited about, because I can listen to my neighbors bang through the walls, and even if I picture Scarlett, I know it's not her. I need the video evidence before I'm interested.



-- So Anne Hathaway decided to let everyone know that she didn't have a problem posing nude in a recent article in PR Inside. This is a simply fantastic attitude by one of the hottest young actresses that never gets mentioned. And I'll tell you something, saying things like this and actually doing those nude scenes will move her right to the top of everyone's lists. Funny thing is, Anne wasn't really going out on a limb here, she's done nude scenes already in Brokeback Mountain and Havoc. My favorite part of the quote is this though,

"I grew up studying classic painters. They certainly didn't shy away from nudes. I don't find anything morally reprehensible about it. I think it is different to pose in a pair of hotpants on the cover of Stuff magazine. That's something I'm just not interested in doing."

She'd rather be naked than wearing something out of Paris' closet? Very impressive Anne, very impressive.




--Christina Aguilera is just one big ball of tease. There's no two ways about it. She's either wearing an opaque shirt without a bra or a see through shirt WITH a bra. The best look we had was here, but who dresses this girl, one of the Pussycat dolls? Christina, I think we are all a little tired of the foreplay and ready for the X-tina show.



--So Jessica Simpson, our modern day Dolly Parton, wants to star on the big screen with guess who? Dolly Parton. Not only will she be playing at Dollywood like we told you here, she'd like to work with the busty star.

"That is just something that after that I could die and go to heaven and be just fine."

Really, that's all it takes for you to be "just fine"? I need at least a weekend at the Playboy mansion, 3 truckloads of cheese, and ownership of one of America's finest breweries, Shiner Brewery. At least working with a someone who has entertained for over 40 years is a decent goal. If her goals had been: make a fool of myself multiple times on TV and marry a former boy-bander with poser tattoos, she'd be gone from our lives. I'm just going to keep my fingers crossed because if this collaboration results in a remake of The Simpson's episode Homer to the Max, we can have Jess and Dolly revising the famous roles of either Chesty LaRue, Busty St. Clair, or Hootie McBoob. Tremendous casting if I do say so.




HC

Ivanka make me wanka...

--Ivanka Trump had her birthday party at Pure in Vegas with Topher Grace, Wilmer Valdarama and her twins. Wow, she pulled out the big name stars for this one. Did they just sit around and listen to Wilmer make up women he's slept with while Topher talked about not having a career? But the real question is where did those jumblies come from? Seriously though, where did they come from? Here are some pictures from earlier in the year, and she is definitely not as endowed as she is now. It looks like some rack enhancement may have taken place, as if I care, and she's turning into a fox.

Taken in February 2006



Taken in October, 2006



-- Jessica Simpson to perform at Dollywood? For some reason this seems to make perfect sense. I don't know if it is her southern accent / charm or the similarities in the upper torsos of her and Dolly Parton. Shouldn't she be performing at a Star Wars theme park though? That is an ewok in her arms right??



--I have no idea if this picture is real or not, but for my intents and purposes, we're going to say it's real. I mean, if it was Mickey Mouse pulling down her dress, I'd definitely question the authenticity of it. But first, the jewelery is correct and it's Donald Duck! He's a raging pervert and everyone in South Florida knows it. For a guy who spends 90% of his time with no pants on (the only time he covers his genitals is when he puts a towel around his waist after a shower -- yeah, that makes sense) he has kept a pretty low profile. But you knew the real DD would show up one of these days.



--Tara Reid has downsized, but still has Franken-boobies, big surprise. She does look mildly sober though. This event must have been a brunch.



HC

Halloween was actually scary in Hollywood

I thought Scarlett and Gisele's costumes were bad enough, and I had hoped that would be the end to this ridiculousness. I was wrong.

Here's what went horribly wrong this Halloween --


Paris showed up as a "sexy" cop. Here's the easy joke: I guess she can handle all of the breathalizer tests for the force. Oh wait, you can't test BAC down there... Here's the creative joke: I guess the K-9 unit is off tonight...



Lindsay showed up in a leotard and leg warmers. Wow, a lot of thought went into that one. Why didn't she just come in a flight suit with the "Danger Zone" playing in the background?






Hillary Duff came as a bad version Lindsay Lohan. She could have at least come dressed in a giant ball of red yarn if she wanted to look like Firecrotch. And what's up with the UPS guy in the pictures? Did they pick him up off the street? He looks like he won some contest and the only thing that could make him happier would be if Ryan Seacrest showed up to give him a reach-around.





Jennifer Love Hewitt pulled herself and her giant jugs out from under some rock to show up as Charlie Chaplin. Charlie Chaplin? Way to be current JLove. She looks more like Hitler than Chaplin anyway. Why didn't she just show up as Abraham Lincoln and her "companion" could have been a slave. Lame with a capital L.



Bill Maher came as "bad taste," and Chris Klein came as a greasy slice of pizza, which is only a decent costume because he usually looks like a turd that came from a giant slice of pizza.




Mariah Carey came as a Mer-man. Is it me or is she getting manly-er by the day? If she didn't have that giant weave and wasn't so top heavy, I'd expect half expect her to be standing next to me at the urinal.






Alyssa Milano came as a fairy. I really can't say anything bad about this one because she looks pretty damn hot. A+ in my book.



Heidi Klum and Seal came as some kind of Garden of Eden combo costume. See this is WAY too confusing. Seal is supposed to be Eve, a woman with blonde hair? But I thought Heidi was the woman... I guess Eve couldn't be preggo because THAT would have been way more inappropriate.




This is what Heidi should have come "dressed" as.

Xtina came as the Corpse Bride. And her douche-bag husband came as a corpse. Why does she hang out with this loser? He looks like he has the personality of one of her sex toys. He's changed her from a girl who wore ass-less chaps in a video to one who comes completely clothed to a Halloween party. And Halloween is the sexiest of all of the October Holidays!

I don't know who any of these girls are, but these are definitely the best costumes of the bunch....

HC

Posh's nipple, Biel's kiss, and Aguilera's hottness

– Fashion week was last week in NYC, and one of the best things to come out of it was the appearance of Victoria Beckham’s nipple. Posh Spice usually just flaunts her silicone chest through her shirt with her headlights on (as seen in the first picture with the pink jacket), but it looks like one of the twins snuck out of her black dress last week. Nipples want to see the fashions too. The real question I have is, are her nipples as fake as her boobs? I mean those water balloons are pumped up to maximum capacity and I just wonder if her nipples are actually that hard and pointy or if they’re just those plastic spouts they have on floats to blow them up. Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me one bit. And when did she become an emotionless android? The computer in War Games showed more personality.

– In my perusing of the internet lately, I found some interesting pictures. Usually, the only pictures I ever seem to find of Jessica Biel are of her working out or running with her dogs or working out and running with her dogs. BORING! So when I found pictures of her making out with a GIRL, I felt inclined to post them for you guys. Now maybe she isn’t exactly making out, but that is only because the photographer was a little slow in squeezing off a picture because he was shocked by the sheer beauty of the kiss. At least that’s what I’m going to think. Plus with a tongue like that, the possibilities are just endless.

– My favorite little giraffe woman is in the news again and is quickly becoming cliche. I’m going to keep this short and sweet because I know you need your Lindsay Lohan fix that doesn’t involve a beaver. First of all, she broke her wrist last week –most likely rubbing one out for a Def Leppard roady. And then, she went to a birthday party for her mom Dina last week that ended when her mom got sloshed (while setting a stellar example) and Lindsay told her to “Go to Hell”. Now I don’t know about the birthday parties you guys go to, but at the ones I frequent, the mom usually doesn’t get hammered, and if she does we pretend not to notice. We certainly don’t tell her to go to hell. We just eat our cake and ice cream, and discretely spike our own cups of punch. The Lohans are classy though, so I’ve got to be the one doing it wrong.

– Proving that opposites attract, I provide Exhibit A: Christina Aguilera, who is smoking hot, and her husband who is probably suppsoted to be guarding a pot of gold. Look at him trying to kiss her. He looks like a monkey trying to lick a coconut. I seriously doubt they do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

– In what has become a national phenomenon, our WTF section brings you the cover photo to K-Fag’s new album. What on this cover would actually inspire someone to buy it? Maybe it’s the clean-cut image he’s portraying by not showing any of his poser tattoos. No, maybe it’s the cards and the smoking cigarette next to him. Nope, I’ve got it; it’s either the drink on fire or the sweet script in which ’Playing with Fire’ is written in. Yep, definitely the script. If there’s any justice in this world, the prankster who graffitied Paris’ album will get a hold of this one too. Although, what would he really do? Make K-Fed look like a smug, no-talent, piece of shit? Done and done.

– And one last note, is Pink hot or just a 12-year old boy? I’m totally confused.

HC