Cletus and Maydene calling it quits

-- In a move that shocked no one at the trailer park they came from, the First family of White Trash has called it quits. Britney Spears filed for divorce today from Kevin "K-Fag" Federline citing irreconcilable differences. This is no surprise, since their differences include: attractiveness (one is extremely hot, one is an extreme poser), talent (one has sold millions and millions of albums, the other one's current album is ranked #8,939 on Amazon's Sales Rank - no, that's not a joke - by comparison, Yanni's Live at the Acropolis is #5,666 and Milli Vanilli's lip syncing hit Girl You Know It's True is #3,387), and fame (one makes headlines when she cuts her hair or marries a stupid poser dancer while the other stalled a show last night in NYC for 3 hours because there were less than 100 people there to see him). How this match made in Hollywood heaven didn't work, I'll never know. Here's a video of Britney's surprise appearance on David Letterman last night showing off her new haircut (that looks like it was done with a Flow-Bee), but I guess that's what you do when you are new on the market and a copy of the divorce papers actually filed yesterday.



HC

Britney's off the Twinkie Wagon and more

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WTF is going on these days??

In my hours of perusing the web, I've come across several things that were worth noting, but not necessarily worth a full blown post. So I've decided to put all of these tid-bits into a short and sweet edition of Holden's Rants. A WTF edition if you may.

-- I don't know what the hell is going on in these pics I see John Mayer (looking like a tool as always) with Sheryl Crow in a bikini (hot??), and I'm mildly aroused, but I'm not quite sure WTF is going on in the background. There seem to be men in diapers. What this means, I'm not sure at all.



-- Apparently there is a new Ronald McDonald movie in the works because I can't come up with any other logical reasons why Natalie Portman would be dressed as Grimace walking down the streets of Paris. WTF? Either she wants to befriend the Hamburglar or she plans on auditioning for the next Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie as the Violet Beauregarde. You would think her new uber-billionaire boyfriend could afford a decent wardrobe for her.




-- Another actress who looks to be auditioning for a movie part is Rose McGowen. WTF happened to her? Now, I'll be honest here, I have no idea what she's been up to for the past couple of years, but I don't ever remember her looking as emaciated as this. It looks like she wants to play a pirate with 2 peg legs. Maybe that's a part in Pirates of the Caribbean III: Sunken Chest. Ugh.




-- I don't know if K-Fed is some kind of evil genius, but I can't believe this guy sometimes. K-Fag showed up on WWE's Raw this past week, mouthed off to the crowd and was body-slammed by one of the 'roid raged wrestlers. We all know this is fake, but W(hy)TF is this guy getting so much publicity? It's like he knows that everyone hates him, so he's playing that angle up and still getting on TV. He was even on CSI last week playing the ringleader of a gang and fittingly went by the name "Pig." Besides being the patriarch of the First Family of White Trash, I didn't think he had any discernible talents. Maybe I underestimated you K-Fag....




-- I didn't know that trannys could get pregnant but apparently they can. Mel B (aka Scary Spice) is 4 months pregnant with Eddie Murphy's child. WTF, you might say, and I'd concur. I'm sure you haven't seen Scary Spice in a while since her 15 minutes were over roughly 8 years ago, but here are some pics to refresh your memory. And yes, you may be scarred by the site of her nipples, and no I don't care.



-- And lastly, we've talked about the smuggling of various melons across the border for profit before, and now we have 2 more instances where this has happened. Obviously this is a problem running rampant in Hollywood and needs to be gotten under control. Wait a minute, WTF am I saying?!? The melon smuggling epidemic is fantastic. Anyway, first we have Patricia Arquette, who if I had known had enormous boobs, I would have watched that crappy show Medium about 100% more times. Wait, 100% of 0 is still zero....damn. And second, we have an HC all-star showing her fantastic rack for the ump-teenth time. And I'll keep posting it every time.





HC

Posh's nipple, Biel's kiss, and Aguilera's hottness

– Fashion week was last week in NYC, and one of the best things to come out of it was the appearance of Victoria Beckham’s nipple. Posh Spice usually just flaunts her silicone chest through her shirt with her headlights on (as seen in the first picture with the pink jacket), but it looks like one of the twins snuck out of her black dress last week. Nipples want to see the fashions too. The real question I have is, are her nipples as fake as her boobs? I mean those water balloons are pumped up to maximum capacity and I just wonder if her nipples are actually that hard and pointy or if they’re just those plastic spouts they have on floats to blow them up. Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me one bit. And when did she become an emotionless android? The computer in War Games showed more personality.

– In my perusing of the internet lately, I found some interesting pictures. Usually, the only pictures I ever seem to find of Jessica Biel are of her working out or running with her dogs or working out and running with her dogs. BORING! So when I found pictures of her making out with a GIRL, I felt inclined to post them for you guys. Now maybe she isn’t exactly making out, but that is only because the photographer was a little slow in squeezing off a picture because he was shocked by the sheer beauty of the kiss. At least that’s what I’m going to think. Plus with a tongue like that, the possibilities are just endless.

– My favorite little giraffe woman is in the news again and is quickly becoming cliche. I’m going to keep this short and sweet because I know you need your Lindsay Lohan fix that doesn’t involve a beaver. First of all, she broke her wrist last week –most likely rubbing one out for a Def Leppard roady. And then, she went to a birthday party for her mom Dina last week that ended when her mom got sloshed (while setting a stellar example) and Lindsay told her to “Go to Hell”. Now I don’t know about the birthday parties you guys go to, but at the ones I frequent, the mom usually doesn’t get hammered, and if she does we pretend not to notice. We certainly don’t tell her to go to hell. We just eat our cake and ice cream, and discretely spike our own cups of punch. The Lohans are classy though, so I’ve got to be the one doing it wrong.

– Proving that opposites attract, I provide Exhibit A: Christina Aguilera, who is smoking hot, and her husband who is probably suppsoted to be guarding a pot of gold. Look at him trying to kiss her. He looks like a monkey trying to lick a coconut. I seriously doubt they do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

– In what has become a national phenomenon, our WTF section brings you the cover photo to K-Fag’s new album. What on this cover would actually inspire someone to buy it? Maybe it’s the clean-cut image he’s portraying by not showing any of his poser tattoos. No, maybe it’s the cards and the smoking cigarette next to him. Nope, I’ve got it; it’s either the drink on fire or the sweet script in which ’Playing with Fire’ is written in. Yep, definitely the script. If there’s any justice in this world, the prankster who graffitied Paris’ album will get a hold of this one too. Although, what would he really do? Make K-Fed look like a smug, no-talent, piece of shit? Done and done.

– And one last note, is Pink hot or just a 12-year old boy? I’m totally confused.

HC

Weekend Wrap - Britney + JailFed, Paris, Scarlett, LL, and more

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