Salma and Kate's jumblies, Paris and Nikki & Mariah & Mary

-- I found these pictures of Salma Hayek was out last week at some event, showing off her enormous boobies, so I decided I would talk about them again just for the hell of it. But then the news came out that she and the twins were voted 2006 Best Nude scene by Mr. Skin and she got bumped up to story numero uno (That's story number 1 for our non-tamale eating friends). The were for some movie called Ask the Dust and you can watch it here and here. They are kind of blurry and dark, but you can still see those giant jumblies. And honestly, if Salma is naked and doesn't have a mustache and uni brow like in Frida, I'm a fan.



-- Kate Moss was in Jamaica recently showing off her 10-year old boy physique and a couple topless pictures have shown up. You can see them here, here, and here, but I don't know who would want to look at them. Seriously, unless you find virtually non-existent boobs with pencil erasers sticking off of them for nipples attractive, these pictures aren't for you. If her boobs were food, they would be tater-tots on top of half a hamburger bun. Okay, I'll stop. Or, a milk dud on top of a portabello mushroom. Now I'm done.

-- Who knows what the hell these 2 whores are doing, but you can't tell me that you wouldn't mind jumping in the back of that limo for half an hour. Mainly for 2 reasons though. First off, I'd have to ask what the hell they were doing in that 2nd picture (my guess is trading STD's - you can trade them like baseball cards right?) and secondly because Paris has probably done just about everything, so who better to give a Dirty Sanchez too. Actually, I'd only do it if I had my patented Aids - B - Gone spray. In the gallon container.

-- And lastly Mariah Carey is trying to block the porn star / gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey from trademarking her name because she feels there could be some confusion. Damn right there could be some confusion, they are both big breasted bimbos with no talent. Mariah may have sold a lot more albums, but I bet Mary has sold a lot more hummers. And look at their pictures, they actually do look slightly similar. Kind of like how I look like George Clooney and my wiener looks like a horse's junk. Maybe if Mariah wants to stop being confused with a saggy-boobed, slightly flabby porn star, she should stop parading around as a saggy-boobed, slightly flabby pop star.

HC

Halloween was actually scary in Hollywood

I thought Scarlett and Gisele's costumes were bad enough, and I had hoped that would be the end to this ridiculousness. I was wrong.

Here's what went horribly wrong this Halloween --


Paris showed up as a "sexy" cop. Here's the easy joke: I guess she can handle all of the breathalizer tests for the force. Oh wait, you can't test BAC down there... Here's the creative joke: I guess the K-9 unit is off tonight...



Lindsay showed up in a leotard and leg warmers. Wow, a lot of thought went into that one. Why didn't she just come in a flight suit with the "Danger Zone" playing in the background?






Hillary Duff came as a bad version Lindsay Lohan. She could have at least come dressed in a giant ball of red yarn if she wanted to look like Firecrotch. And what's up with the UPS guy in the pictures? Did they pick him up off the street? He looks like he won some contest and the only thing that could make him happier would be if Ryan Seacrest showed up to give him a reach-around.





Jennifer Love Hewitt pulled herself and her giant jugs out from under some rock to show up as Charlie Chaplin. Charlie Chaplin? Way to be current JLove. She looks more like Hitler than Chaplin anyway. Why didn't she just show up as Abraham Lincoln and her "companion" could have been a slave. Lame with a capital L.



Bill Maher came as "bad taste," and Chris Klein came as a greasy slice of pizza, which is only a decent costume because he usually looks like a turd that came from a giant slice of pizza.




Mariah Carey came as a Mer-man. Is it me or is she getting manly-er by the day? If she didn't have that giant weave and wasn't so top heavy, I'd expect half expect her to be standing next to me at the urinal.






Alyssa Milano came as a fairy. I really can't say anything bad about this one because she looks pretty damn hot. A+ in my book.



Heidi Klum and Seal came as some kind of Garden of Eden combo costume. See this is WAY too confusing. Seal is supposed to be Eve, a woman with blonde hair? But I thought Heidi was the woman... I guess Eve couldn't be preggo because THAT would have been way more inappropriate.




This is what Heidi should have come "dressed" as.

Xtina came as the Corpse Bride. And her douche-bag husband came as a corpse. Why does she hang out with this loser? He looks like he has the personality of one of her sex toys. He's changed her from a girl who wore ass-less chaps in a video to one who comes completely clothed to a Halloween party. And Halloween is the sexiest of all of the October Holidays!

I don't know who any of these girls are, but these are definitely the best costumes of the bunch....

HC

Paris' arse, Izzy in a bikini, and the Wonders of Photoshop

-- We are going to start off today with an all too familiar topic: Paris Hilton and her inability to cover up her skanky ass. Last week, at the anniversary party for Tao in the Venetian in Vegas, Paris, Katherine Heigl (Izzy on Grey's Anatomy....grrrrr) and one of the least insane Jacksons, Janet (who was having a coinciding CD release party), were all there. Paris pulled her standard maneuver to steal all of the attention by getting hammered, standing on stage, and pulling her skirt up to show her ass cheeks. At least she decided to go with the pink panties. We've seen enough of her crab trap. Will it never end with this girl? Her dad must be so proud. I mean, who wouldn't be proud that at 25 your daughter was a world renowned tramp who had her bits on the internet every week? So, here's everyone at the party and the aforementioned ass cheeks.

Now we can get to the interesting part. From the looks of the next pictures, they had some enormous snake at the party to greet people. WTF you might ask? Well, I completely agree, but I just can't figure one thing out. This would have been the perfect opportunity to take out that trampy Hilton and it was wasted. Where is Steve Irwin when we need him now? And screw GI Joe, that snake could have been the "Real American Hero". I don't know why I'm not consulted on these things. There would definitely be a lot fewer STDs out there. And a couple other notes, why in the world is the "snake lady" wearing a corset and pasties? I'm not complaining, but if I'd known that was standard snake handler wear, I'd be going to the zoo a hell of a lot more often. And another thing, why is Janet Jackson dressed like a hobbit or some kind of extra for Star Wars at her CD release party. That makes absolutely no sense to me unless she's auditioning for a new jedi, something like Obi Wan Cleavage.

-- There were some pictures of Katherine Heigl earlier wearing some hideous outfit , so I thought you could use some pics of her in a bikini to even it out. They aren't the best quality and are from some foreign magazine that I can't understand but they aren't bad. My favorite picture is the last one because it looks like they are laughing because they are being subtitled.

-- One more note on Vegas. It looks like our resident philandering octogenarian, Hugh Hefner, is reopening the Playboy Club in Vegas. The franchise which at one time had 22 locations around the world, last closed its last doors in 1991. It will be located on the top 3 floors of the Palms casino and will feature Playboy bunnies working as waitresses and dealers. Sounds like a simply fantastic idea to me. How did we live without this for fifteen years?


-- The powers of photoshop are on full display in the newest issue of Q magazine. Of the 20 different covers celebrating their 20th anniversary, one is of a pregnant Britney Spears looking very svelte except for her baby bump. Now I don't know about the rest of you, but when I switch to my ding dongs, ho-hos and cheetos diet, I usually find it difficult to keep my rock hard abs and chiseled frame. But it looks like that works for Britney. Maybe she has some crazy metabolism where she processes twinkies better than vegetables. I guess it's possible. Actually, look at the pictures; it's not possible at all. All we want is the old spandex-wearing, chain smoking, K-Fag-less, Britney. Is that so much to ask for?

-- I haven't watched this new show 6 Degrees on ABC after Grey's Anatomy, but I'll tell you one thing, if Erika Christensen and her gi-normous boobies are prominently involved, I need to find time for this show. Or at least time on my TIVO. And when did these appear? The first picture is from a couple years ago and you can see quite a difference. I just feel like I should be informed about these things. A phone call maybe, an email notice at least?

-- And one last thing, I know we are at war and all, but is it necessary for civilians to be carrying around weapons of mass destruction out in the open? Mariah Carey had her mud cannons on full alert recently so we should all feel a little safer.

HC