Weekend Watershed

-- Have you noticed that winter is coming? You can see the leaves changing, feel the crisp morning air when you get up and have probably noticed that the grass is pretty cold on your feet when you let the dog out in the morning to take his daily dump. Well there is another way that you can tell that the seasons are a changin' - nipples are on full alert all over town. My town, your town, all towns. Trust me, with a degree in nippleology, I've been studying this phenomenon for years. Well to prove it to you, here's Jennifer Garner and her pokies. If these pictures don't say "Wintertime" and "Christmas is right around the corner" then you are obviously blind and a damn fool.

-- Joss Stone was at a UK Hall of Fame event with a completely new look. And I am utterly confused. She was hot before like here and here and incredible in a bikini here. But now she's gone punk and dyed her hair red. I mean don't get me wrong, she's still hot, but now in a dirty, ass-less chaps in the French Quarter kind of way. I do rather enjoy the boot selection though. Too bad she didn't go to the Lindsay Lohan finishing school and "accidentally" flash her naughty bits.

-- Here we have some pictures of Scarlett in red, black, and nipply. I have no idea when these pictures are from, they could be from 3 years ago, or they could be from the party I had at my crib last night. All I know is that I don't think I've ever wanted to be a spider so much in my life.

-- I don't know what fountain of youth Elizabeth Hurley has been going to, but she needs to pass that info on. I think every time we see her, she looks better and better. Hurley falls right in line with the Diane Lane / Elle MacPherson / Renee Russo Hottie Posse. These women aren't just your dad's pin-ups anymore!

-- LOOK! OUT TO THE STARBOARD SIDE! IT'S THE ELUSIVE WHALETAIL! AND THE ALYSSA MILANO VERSION AT THAT. WHAT A SPECTACULAR DAY OUT ON THE OPEN SEAS TO SEE SUCH SIGHT.

HC

Halloween was actually scary in Hollywood

I thought Scarlett and Gisele's costumes were bad enough, and I had hoped that would be the end to this ridiculousness. I was wrong.

Here's what went horribly wrong this Halloween --


Paris showed up as a "sexy" cop. Here's the easy joke: I guess she can handle all of the breathalizer tests for the force. Oh wait, you can't test BAC down there... Here's the creative joke: I guess the K-9 unit is off tonight...



Lindsay showed up in a leotard and leg warmers. Wow, a lot of thought went into that one. Why didn't she just come in a flight suit with the "Danger Zone" playing in the background?






Hillary Duff came as a bad version Lindsay Lohan. She could have at least come dressed in a giant ball of red yarn if she wanted to look like Firecrotch. And what's up with the UPS guy in the pictures? Did they pick him up off the street? He looks like he won some contest and the only thing that could make him happier would be if Ryan Seacrest showed up to give him a reach-around.





Jennifer Love Hewitt pulled herself and her giant jugs out from under some rock to show up as Charlie Chaplin. Charlie Chaplin? Way to be current JLove. She looks more like Hitler than Chaplin anyway. Why didn't she just show up as Abraham Lincoln and her "companion" could have been a slave. Lame with a capital L.



Bill Maher came as "bad taste," and Chris Klein came as a greasy slice of pizza, which is only a decent costume because he usually looks like a turd that came from a giant slice of pizza.




Mariah Carey came as a Mer-man. Is it me or is she getting manly-er by the day? If she didn't have that giant weave and wasn't so top heavy, I'd expect half expect her to be standing next to me at the urinal.






Alyssa Milano came as a fairy. I really can't say anything bad about this one because she looks pretty damn hot. A+ in my book.



Heidi Klum and Seal came as some kind of Garden of Eden combo costume. See this is WAY too confusing. Seal is supposed to be Eve, a woman with blonde hair? But I thought Heidi was the woman... I guess Eve couldn't be preggo because THAT would have been way more inappropriate.




This is what Heidi should have come "dressed" as.

Xtina came as the Corpse Bride. And her douche-bag husband came as a corpse. Why does she hang out with this loser? He looks like he has the personality of one of her sex toys. He's changed her from a girl who wore ass-less chaps in a video to one who comes completely clothed to a Halloween party. And Halloween is the sexiest of all of the October Holidays!

I don't know who any of these girls are, but these are definitely the best costumes of the bunch....

HC