Sports Crumbs - 12/13/06

- First up, so NFL notes. The San Diego Super-Chargers are really rolling now. With a shellacking of the Denver Broncos Sunday afternoon, 48 - 20. Along with Ladainian Tomlinson's historic TD romp (who will hereby be known as LTD on this site) the Chargers are on quite an offensive roll. The Chargers have won 7 straight after a road loss to Baltimore in October and swept the Broncos for the first time in 24 years. The Chargers have to be the front runner now to make it to and win the Super Bowl in February. With their offensive weapons of LTD, QB Philip Rivers and All-World TE Antonio Gates alongside a defense that is about as stingy as they come, the road to Miami on February 4th should lead through San Diego. And who can stop them? With Indy sliding and questions still surrounding Baltimore's offense, I think the only way they could get tripped up is in another shootout with Cincy. But then again, Marty Schottenheimer and his 5-12 playoff record is the coach, so who knows. Everyone did anoint the Colts in Week 9, so it should be interesting to see how the rest of the season plays out. And speaking of the Colts, what's going on with them??? Can they recover from this slide?? I say Yes, but I think this slide knocks them down from having home field advantage, which proves costly as they end up in San Diego for the AFC Championship game.

-- A couple baseball notes:

---- Daisuke Matsuzaka is on a plane back to Boston which might be a sign that a preliminary agreement has been reached between himself and the Red Sox. The reports are that the Sox had offered $8 million / year for 6 years and Matsuzaka's team had come back with $11 million / year for 6 years. Are you kidding me? I understand that this a 108-60 career record in Japan with a 2.95 ERA and 1,355 strikeouts in 204 games, but he's never thrown a pitch in the big leagues and he's going to pull in that kind of cash. And where does Barry Zito fall into all this spending? A former Cy-Young pitcher should be able to pull in close to $15 million / year by some over-spending team like the Yankees or Mets. But all in all, I guess in a market where Gil Meche can make $55 million, anything is possible.

---- The Houston Astros pulled off a trade with the Colorado Rockies yesterday for pitcher Jason Jennings. The Astros gave up youth in CF Willie Taveras and P's Taylor Buckholz and Jason Hirsh, but Jennings should give them a solid #2 starter even if he does only have a 58-56 career record. He should be able to replace Andy Pettite's numbers, but obviously won't be able to provide the playoff experience. Along with the aquisitions of OF Carlos Lee and P Woody Williams along with being able to play Chris Burke everyday, the Astros should definitely be able to push the defending World Series Champion St. Louis Cardinals for the NL crown.

-- And lastly, Tiger Woods won his record 8th Player of the Year title in only his 10th year on the PGA Tour. He also resigned with Nike for another 5 years for an undisclosed sum, but his previous deals were first for $40 million over 5 years and then $125 million over 5 years, so one can say he won't be shopping at Salvation Army anytime soon. Oh and by the way, he's still married to Elin and only turning 31 at the end of this month. Lucky bastard.

HC

Sports Crumbs - 11/16/06

-- So there's a pretty big foosball game this weekend. North Carolina vs. North Carolina State? No, it's not basketball season yet. Florida vs. Florida State? No, that's next weekend and it's not 1995. Central Michigan vs. Northern Illinois? That is this weekend, and although battles between directional schools always prove interesting, there is another Michigan school with a much bigger challenge on their hands. Ohio State vs. Michigan at 2:30 PM CT this weekend is the match up of the season. Or at least that's what ESPN would have you believe. They've had a countdown clock running on this match up for at least 3 weeks now, so I'm happy the game is almost here because unless you live in Ohio or Michigan (which means by the way that you only have one full set of teeth combined in your family) you don't really care about all of this hoopla leading up to the game. We get it, #1 vs. #2 in one of the biggest rivalries in college football. I'm a huge college football fan, so I'd watch this game regardless of their rankings. I just don't need it shoved down my throat for the entire month leading up to this game because I don't even think this one will live up to the Rutgers v. Louisville game from last week. If Ohio State plays half as well as they played against Texas earlier this year, I don't see Michigan staying within ten points of the Buckeyes. With Troy Smith getting ready to have his name engraved on the Heisman, Ted Ginn Jr. still running rampant through secondaries and Jim Tressel simply owning Lloyd Carr since he arrived in Columbus (4-1 record), I just don't see the Buckeyes being stopped in their march to Glendale, AZ and the Fiesta Bowl.

-- In baseball news, the Manager's of the Year were announced and Joe Girardi - formerly of the Florida Marlins - and Jim Leyland of the World Series-choking Detroit Tigers were the winners. Kind of interesting how Girardi has already been fired and the #3 vote getter in the AL (Ken Macha from Oakland) has also been fired. Maybe if the Marlins payroll wasn't the lowest in the league by a full $20 mil, they could be more competitive but I don't see how firing the coach here helps at all. And people wonder why no one goes to Marlins games and they are talking about moving them to Vegas. The guy in the giant Marlin costume could do a better job with this team, and he probably doesn't know a thing about baseball unless it relates to riding a scooter around the stadium and shooting a T-shirt cannon.

-- And lastly, I'm sure you've probably heard about this, but I just wanted to weigh in on it too. O.J. Simpson will be doing a TV interview on FOX titled "O.J. Simpson: If I did it, Here's how it happened" that will air on November 27th & 29th. This is simply unreal to me. This guy gets away with murdering 2 people 12 years ago and just won't go away. He got his "get out of jail" free card but just keeps coming back. And why would FOX agree to actually paying him for this? Well, that's an easy one, FOX will show anything - I seem to recall a Man vs. Animal show and watching Screech box on Celebrity Boxing deserves it's own column. Anyway, the Juice just needs to take this act and get the hell out of here. He should go to some Caribbean island where they show re-runs of Naked Gun and Dragnet and film new Hertz commercials. Or maybe Isotoner is looking for a new spokesperson.

Sports Crumbs - 11/14/06

-- Early reports are that the Boston Red Sox bid $42 million just for the rights to negotiate with prized Japanese star Daisuke Matsuzaka. No, that's not a misprint. $42 million just to negotiate? Who is this guy, the Japanese version of Bob Gibson? Besides Ichiro, when have any of these Japanese players lived up to any of their lofty expectations? Hideki Matsui is a good player, but I wouldn't put him in the top 10 outfielders in the game right now. And who can forget Hideo Nomo who started this all off. The only way he's been successful is by switching leagues more times than Anne Heche switched teams. I don't have a problem with any teams signing him, it just seems ridiculous to spend that kind of cash just for the right to negotiate with him. Honestly, I hope the Seibu Lions (his Japanese team) pull a fast one on the Sox and accept the money and then pull him off the market. They could issue a simple press release that says "We sooooo sawry."

-- Sammy Sosa thinks he's ready to return to the big leagues after taking a year off. Boy is this guy delusional. I guess the reason you didn't play last season had nothing to do with your .221 average, .376 slugging, 45 RBIs and 14 home runs in 102 games with the Orioles in 2005. Nothing at all to do with that. Most teams are completely willing to give aging steroid users max deals. Maybe he should start corking his bat again, that worked for a while. Or maybe he should pull his Capital Hill routine and say he can't speak English anymore. Give it up Sammy. You are just a bump in the road to cleaning up baseball so why don't you and Mark McGwire jump on a boat and go meet Mike Tyson in Bolivian.

-- In another damaging blow to my fantasy football team, Clinton Portis broke his right hand in the 1st quarter of Sunday's loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. This really isn't that big of news since he already missed a couple games with separated shoulder at the beginning of the season, but with Willis McGahee already out with 3 - count 'em 3! - broken ribs, my fantasy football team has really gone down the shitter. Throw in Tiki Barber's sprained thumb, and I'm settling into dead f'ng last. Sorry, I know no one cares, but I had to vent.

HC

Sports Crumbs -- 11/8/06

-- How good are the Indianapolis Colts? With convincing wins on the road over Denver (6-2) and New England (6-2) the Colts pushed their record to 8-0 and are the only undefeated team in the NFL after Chicago's shocking loss at home to the Dolphins. The Colts offense is still clicking along at a high rate with Peyton Manning leading the air show, but the defense has been the big question mark as it is every year. The Colts' run defense has been much maligned this season and for good reason. They rank dead last in the NFL in yards allowed, giving up an amazing 165 yards a game through 8 games. They are giving up 5.3 yards a rushing attempt! They saying goes, "Defense wins championships", but I don't think that will hold true this year because of the Colts' performance in the last 2 games. First going to Denver, a team that had allowed only 2 offensive TDs in the first 6 games, and putting up 31 points in the victory and then going and playing and beating his archenemies, Tom Brady and the New England Patriots, in Foxboro were 2 huge statement wins. Now with a 2 game advantage in the standings and 3 games if you include tiebreakers, it looks like all roads will go through Indy to get to the Super Bowl in the AFC. Will their offense be able to carry them to Miami and Super Bowl XLI? I'd put my money on Peyton's laser, rocket arm any day.

-- And at the other extreme, we have the Oakland Raiders. Now they may not have the worst record in the league, Arizona sits at 1-7 while Houston, Miami, Detroit, Pittsburgh, Tennessee, Cleveland and Tampa Bay all sit at 2-6 along with Oakland, but they are easily the most dysfunctional team in the league and are headed no where. At least most of those teams on the list have some young talent and are in some stage of rebuilding. In Oakland, it is hard to name one marquee player in his prime besides Lamont Jordan and Randy Moss, but after he dropped as many passes as he caught on Monday night, I don't know if Moss even belongs in that category. This team is simply wretched and needs to be blown up and completely rebuilt. Brady Quinn, welcome to Oakland!

-- Now on to a little Golf for your ass. Paul Azinger was announced as the new Ryder Cup captain for the 2008 Ryder cup at Valhalla, Kentucky. Azinger has already stirred things up by changing how players make the team (now it will go off of the money list for the current year of the cup, not the 2 year system currently in place) and only 8 players will automatically make the team, giving Azinger 2 additional captains picks. This is the exact kind of shake-up the US team needed to try to get back on track against those pesky Euro's in one of golf's most exciting events. Azinger also made some comments about the world's best player, Tiger Woods that were right on target. Azinger said Tiger was "in it to make history" and is such an individual player, "he doesn't like to share" with his teammates. He also said that he isn't a "natural born leader of 12 guys", but just needs the right partner, not just someone he gets along with, but someone who won't be intimidated playing with him. Azinger is right on target with all of his comments on Woods. Woods is by far and away the greatest golfer on the planet and maybe all time, but the team game just doesn't suit him. Why? Well, when he plays by himself, he can get himself out of the trouble he gets into. Not all his playing partners, much less many people in the world can hit the shots he can and get out of those situations so it makes for a difficult situation. Hopefully, Azinger can work his magic for the US and get us out our Ryder Cup funk and back onto our winning ways.

HC

Tony Homo

I've got something special for you today at Holden's Rants. Drew Bledsoe's blog. If you don't know, you must live in a cave, but he is the former starting Quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys and was replaced 2 weeks ago by backup Tony Romo.

This blog could be one of the funniest things I've read in the last month. Well at least the last 30 minutes.

http://www.tonyhomo.com/


HC

Sports Quickies

I know I haven't written about sports in what seems like months, so I decided I needed to weigh in on a couple interesting issues in the sports world today.

-- Let's start with Monday night's worst coaching decision. The Dallas Cowboys made a horrible mistake last night by benching starting quarterback Drew Bledsoe in favor of fan-favorite yet terribly inexperienced Tony Romo. I understand that Drew was having an awful game, but in a game where the Cowboys trailed by less than a touchdown (12-7) and Bledsoe had been sacked 4 times due to an ineffective offensive line, putting in a quarterback who had thrown a total of 2 passes in the NFL in his 4 years in the league was not the best option. Yes, Romo is a lot more mobile in the pocket than the statuesque Bledsoe, but so is my grandmother. Experience has to count for something in this league, and Romo's first pass / first interception was a testament to that. I don't know if head coach Bill Parcells really thought that a pseudo-rookie quarterback could do a better job than a 14 year veteran or if he just caved in to the pressure of the owner and the fans. Parcells was never susceptible to that pressure before. Maybe in his old age he's gotten a little soft, or maybe he's just quit trying. He's let Jerry "Too-Tight" Jones push him around all season on the Terrell Owens issue (do you really think that he would have let one of his players dress up like Lance Armstrong for a preseason workout 10 years ago? I think not) and now it seems like he's letting Jones and the fans push him around regarding his starting quarterback. Whatever the reason, "America's Team" looks like it's on a runaway train toward an 8-8 record no matter who starts at quarterback. At least this will give the Oakland Raiders plenty of time to start printing up their Drew Bledsoe jerseys. They won't be able to use their first pick on both a quarterback and Adrian Peterson.

-- Secondly, Kenny Rogers is a damn cheater. I don't care what he said in his news conference about having "dirt" on his hand, but it was clearly pine tar. He knows it, Jim Leyland knows it, Tony LaRussa knows it, all of America knows it (Thank you Joe Buck), and my dog knows it. Interesting how a guy with a postseason ERA of 8.83 in his 10 previous postseason starts and an 0-3 record could all of a sudden have a 23 inning scoreless streak. I would have been more likely to believe him if he had told us that he hadn't wiped his ass well enough before the game or had eaten a handful of Tootsie Rolls before the game. Last time I checked, dirt doesn't stick to your hand like syrup and Kenny, you are a giant douche bag.

-- And lastly, as far as college football goes, Ohio State and Michigan are in a class by themselves this year. USC hasn't played anyone,and I doubt they get by a rejuvenated Cal team. West Virginia looks good, but still hasn't played anyone; however, they have a chance to prove themselves against fellow unbeatens Louisville and Rutgers later this season. Everyone else has one loss already, save Boise State, but you seriously don't think they could make it to the championship game do you? Actually, just thinking about that made my head explode. Anyway, my point is that who ever loses in the Michigan - Ohio State game will probably drop too far down the poll to play in the title game. I'm not a huge Big Ten fan, but I can't wait until those two bitter rivals wage war later this year and getting a repeat performance of the battle would simply be fantastic. But instead, we'll have our 5 BCS games with about 5 decent teams and 3 guaranteed blowouts. One of these days, college football will wise up and move to a playoff system. Until then the system is flawed and always will be.


HC

Fat Feats - Top 10 Sports Fatasses

There are a million Top 10 lists out there, but those have all been for athletes and athletic accomplishments that we couch potatoes could never achieve. Well, that needs to change. There need to be lists out there of things we can accomplish. So to kick off this phenomenon, I’m doing my own list, a list of fat bastards who still made significant achievements in the sporting world.

11. (Honorable Mention) - Phil “Bitch-tits” Mickelson- 6′-2″, 190 lb - 225 lb - Now I know I said this was a top 10 list, but I thought this was the perfect spot for Phil. His weight has fluctuated up and down the past several years bringing him in and out of contention for a spot on this list. Currently he sits on the outside looking in, but last year when he won the Masters he had a full set of D cups bouncing around. Once known as the “best golfer not to have won a major”, Phil finally won his first major in 47 tries by winning the 2004 Masters. He followed that up with victories at the 2005 PGA Championship and the 2006 Masters. Phil - leave the gym and eat a chili cheese dog. We want you back.

10. William “Refrigerator” Perry - 6′-2″, 370 lb - The nickname alone tells you that this former Chicago Bears defensive tackle was one huge guy. Looking more like ‘Fat Bastard’ from Austin Powers than a football player, Perry is known mainly for scoring a touchdown as a rookie in Super Bowl XX and for the gap in his teeth that you could fit a hamburger through. After his Super Bowl success, Perry really made it big by having a GI Joe action figure designed after him. The remainder of Perry’s career was relatively quiet as he played in just 138 games over an 11 year career in the NFL. The Fridge was a beast and paved the way for future great fat asses to show up at training camp 95 pounds overweight. (e.g. Larry Allen, #8 below).

9. Sebastian “Fat-foot” Janikowski - 6′2″, 250 lb- The Polish Pork-chop has been a fixture on the Oakland Raiders the past 5 seasons as their place kicker and resident jailbird. Having been arrested multiple times for offenses such as assault, bribery of a cop, and possession of GHB Seabass’ off-the-field record has overshadowed his on-the-field performance. Janikowski was the nation’s top kicker in his final 2 seasons at Florida State and has ranked in the top half of the league his entire career in the NFL — except of course when he was sidelined in 2001 for “cellulitis of the foot”! Fat-Foot?!?! Who knew that was even real until that ran on the NFL injury reports. Janikowski makes me proud of my Polish roots. A lesser fat ass would have been deported by now.

8. Larry Allen - 6′-3″, 325 - 360 lbs- Allen was an anchor of the Dallas Cowboy’s offensive line for the past 12 years before leaving in free agency to join the San Francisco 49ers this past off-season. Known for his enormous size and strength (he has benched 700 lbs, squatted 900 lbs, and is the reigning Strongman champion in the NFL), Allen is also well-known for his enormous appetite (he has been known to eat an entire large pizza and drink a 2-liter of cola before games) and sweat stains (thanks to John Madden’s telestrator). His appetite and excessive sweating ability hasn’t kept him from succeeding though as he’s been to 10 Pro Bowls and been voted All-Pro 8 times. He should have retired as a Cowboy, but I’m not telling him that to his face unless I’m armed with a giant bucket of chicken and a liter ‘o cola.

7. Cecil “Big Daddy” Fielder - 6′-3″, 240 lb - 270 lb- A power hitter in the ‘deadball’ era, Fielder hit 51 home-runs in 1990 becoming, at the time, only the 11th player to hit over 50 home runs in a season and only the 2nd in the past 25 years to accomplish that feat. Never a slim man, Fielder’s weight fluctuated throughout his career, but he reached his peak fighting weight as he helped the New York Yankees reach and win the World Series in 1996. A 3-time All-Star, Fielder gets bonus points for having a son (Prince Fielder) who weighs close to 3 bills and is the starting first baseman for the Milwaukee Brewers. God bless the American League’s designated hitter for paving the way for fat asses like Cecil and Big Papi Ortiz.

6. David “Boomer” Wells - 6′-3″, 230 lb - 260 lb - Wells, who currently pitches for the Boston Red Sox, has bounced around the league bringing his unique personality and drinking prowess to each team he’s been to. Wells has pitched for 18 seasons, accumulating 227 wins, 3 All Star selections, and was the MVP of the 1998 ALCS. He is probably best known for wearing an actual Babe Ruth hat when he pitched his perfect game in 1998. It has also been told that he drank a pitcher of beer in between each inning of that game too. God I hope that’s true. I try to replicate that feat every time I watch an Astros game.

5. Shaquille O’Neal - 7′-1″, 315 lb - 345 lb - A 4-time NBA Champion with the LA Lakers and Miami Heat, O’Neal has been a beast in the middle for the past decade. As the 1st pick overall in the 1992 NBA draft out of LSU, O’Neal was barely pushing 300 lbs but as his weight has grown, so have the accolades. A 3-time Finals MVP with the Lakers, O’Neal was the 1999 League MVP, 12 time All-Star, and voted one of the Top 50 players in the NBA. He’s also broadened his career with his rapper alias ’Shaq Diesel’ and the classic film ‘Kazaam’. Lately Shaq has even begun taking the beginnings of seasons off to get in shape so that he has to work as little as possible but can still excel during the playoffs. We can all hope that one day we’re in a position to negotiate a contract allowing us to skip the first third of the work day so we don’t have to strain ourselves later.

4. George Foreman - 6′-3″, 217 lb - 250 lb - The weight change in George Foreman didn’t just take place over a couple years, but over the 20 years in between the 2 times he held the boxing Heavyweight title. Originally a gold medalist in the 1968 Olympics, Foreman first won the title in 1973 over Joe Frazier. He didn’t win it again until 1994 when at age 45 he was outboxed for 10 rounds until he connected with a devastating right hook and knocked out Michael Moorer. Now more well-known for selling tires and electric grills, the robust Foreman hasn’t missed many meals since his career started almost 40 years ago. He is a fatty helping average joes meet their full-fat potential. You already had several ways to cook a burger (your grill or frying pan, etc…), but Foreman found a way to do it faster. That extra minute you stand around waiting for the other side of the burger to brown is a minute of calorie absorption wasted.

3. Charles “The Round Mound of Rebound” Barkley - Listed @ 6′-6″, 250 lb, Closer to 6′-4″, 300lb - One of the best power forwards to play the game, Barkley earned a reputation for saying and doing whatever he wanted on and off the court. A tireless worker on the court, he didn’t have the best work ethic off of it, resulting in his ballooning at the end of his career. A 2 time gold medalist, member of the NBA top 50 players and MVP of the 1993 NBA season, Barkley was never one to turn away from a microphone with classics like:

“I don’t care what people think. People are stupid.”

Charles Barkley: “I’m so sick of fat people.”

Kenny Smith: “Why? You can’t live with yourself?”

Barkley: “First of all, they killed Oreos. You know they can’t make the Double-Stuff Oreos anymore because fat people can’t keep their mouths shut. Now they’re killing the McDonald’s super-size. Can you believe that? Just because fat people are lazy and don’t work out and can’t keep their mouths shut, they have to ruin it for everybody. They’ll probably kill ice cream next! Is that my fault they can’t stop eating? I’m so sick of these fat people suing these companies. Stop eating!”

and my personal favorite:

Greg Gumbel: "Happy St Patrick’s Day.”

Barkley: “Great. Another reason for the Irish to go out and drink.”

I can’t wait to vote for him for President.

2. “Big” John Daly - 5′-11″, 220 lb - 250 lb - Known as one of the longest drivers on tour for the past 15 years, Daly has earned a reputation for living life fast and hard in every sense of the word. A 2-time major winner, Daly won the PGA Championship in 1991, his rookie season, and followed that up with a British Open Championship in 1995 at St. Andrews. Since then, his life has been full of ups and downs, mostly downs though with excessive gambling, drinking, smoking, and mullet-wearing. He admits to losing over $50 million gambling and only puts his cigarettes down to tee off. Daly is everything sports shouldn’t be, and we love him for it.

1. George “Babe” Ruth - 6′-2″, 215 lb - 270 lb - Arguably the greatest baseball player of all time, he was the 1st player in baseball history to hit 20, 30, 40, 50, and 60 home-runs. He also set the home-run record at 60 home-runs, which stood for 34 years until it was broken by Roger Maris in 1961. But, some of his greatest feats took place, not on the playing field, but at the local diner. Ruth was once said to have eaten 24 hot dogs in one sitting, and that was between the 2 games of a double header. He was also said to have gone to Coney Island one morning and eaten 4 Porterhouse steaks, 8 hot dogs, and drank 8 sodas just as a pregame snack. With those eating skills and hitting his last home run at a stout 270 lbs, Ruth reigns supreme of Fat Athletes.


HC