Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Britney sucks her gut in, Paris in Hell, and Posh's pokies

– Here are some new pictures of Posh Spice and her pokies out on the town. Are we sure that’s really her though? I’m not a scientist, but people’s eyes usually don’t bulge out like that, and their skin doesn’t usually look like wax. I think someone stole her wax figure out of Madame Tussaud’s and is carrying it around putting different outfits on her. Some outfits just happen to be more revealing than others. One thing we can all agree on though is that she has fantastic cans. Silicone, wax, or whatever, they’re terrific.





– Although it pains me to talk about her, I have to mention this. It looks like Paris Hilton has dropped another notch further into the depths of hell. In her new video, Nothing in this World, she’s shown gyrating on what looks to be 12 year old boy. No, not Pink, an actual 12 year old boy. Anyway, I could care less about what the song is about or what the video is about; all I want to know is how this doesn’t break any child endangerment laws? Isn’t there something in the Declaration of Independence about not allowing harlots within so many yards of children? I swear I learned that in 7th grade.






– Now the church is giving my girl, Jessica, a hard time too. A Christian minister from Texas is now criticizing the Simpson sisters for using sex to sell their music. Here are a couple tidbits from his rant and a couple of my comments:

"They don’t represent American standards and certainly not Christian
standards,”


Interesting, I didn’t know molesting small boys and criticizing Muslims was an American or Christian standard.

“Their father has replaced his faith in the Lord with the love of money, which is the root of all evil. He has replaced holiness with horniness.”

This very well may be true, but his daughters are smoking hot and….seriously, I can’t argue with that. Their dad creeps me the hell out.


“[Jessica and Ashlee] will reap the dismal crops they are sowing. Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither and they will be left with nothing but a hollow shell.”

Really? “Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither”? Has he heard of plastic surgery? Maybe they don’t have it in the small ass town he’s from, but I think the last thing JS would do is let her boobs sag. She flaunts those bad boys like she's getting paid for it. Oh wait, she is - I guess that's the crazy Texan minister's point, but I'd do it too if I was blessed with them (actually I'd probably stay home all day and play with them, but that's the difference between you and me). And lastly:


“But it looks like they’ve lost a lucrative segment of their record buyers
along the way.”

According to my extensive research, 12 year old girls buy 2000% more albums than creepy Christian ministers. Now this may be off by a small percentage, but much time was put into these calculations.


So what's the big damn deal? Maybe he's just jealous because he can't have kids who make tons of cash so he could retire. Or, maybe he does have kids and they are ugly, talentless fools.


-- So, while Redneck Spears was in the hospital having K-Fed's spawn, it's being reported that she also had a tummy tuck. Now I'm no doctor, but I've watched enough infomercials to know that the only way to get rock-hard abs like mine is to do 2000 crunches daily with a brand name product, like the Ab Roller. Why would Britney take the easy way out?? Because she's easy. Do you think K-Fed would disagree? Maybe she needed to be skinnier to fit into her Corn-Dog costume for Halloween. No matter how she does it, if she gets back into "Pre-KFag" shape like these pictures, I'm definitely okay with that.



HC

New Hotties to spice up your Thursday

As all of you know who come here on a regular basis, this site caters to those looking for celebrity drivel and the occasional sports story. With that being said, most stories revolve around the utterly stupid and trashy (e.g. Lindsay Lohan and Paris) or stars that I find extremely attractive (Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Simpson). So, I've decided to change it up a bit and show you guys some new faces (like you're looking at their faces) to drool over. That work for everyone?



-- First up is Erica Durance who plays "Lois Lane" on the new network CW's show, Smallville. I looked her up on IMDB and she hasn't done much yet, which I would soley attribute to her being Canadian - that's a real liability in Hollywood. Once she gets a couple good roles under her belt, no one will hold that against her anymore.




-- Next is another attractive lady from Smallville, Kristin Kreuk, even if she looks like she's wearing a Glad trash bag. Maybe they can't afford real clothes working for the CW. She hasn't done much either, but was in Eurotrip; however, since she wasn't her, her or her, I didn't recognize her.


-- And lastly is some girl named Sophie Monk who is dating one of those posers from Good Charlotte. With all the money that guy has made from looking tough but selling out to 13 year old girls, could he at least dress like a normal adult? I bet those tattoos are rub-ons and I think I can smell him from here. Well, at least his girlfriends boob pops out.





HC

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Scarlett has a fantastic rack...and knows it

In a new article for InStyle, the star of The Black Dahlia - Scarlett Johansson, tells the magazine that just because she is famous, doesn’t mean that the world needs to know everything about her life.

“I can’t stand those articles where people spill their life story,” Johansson
says in the October issue of InStyle magazine, on newsstands Friday. “After a
while I feel like I know more about them than their best friend does and that’s
weird. It’s better when you don’t know everything.”
She also talks about how she loves her figure and wouldn’t change a thing about it.

“I’m curvy I’m never going to be 5′11′ and 120 pounds. But I feel lucky to have
what I’ve got.”

We all feel lucky that you have what you’ve got. What a breath of fresh air. Seriously, I’m so sick of these trashy whores mucking up Hollywood. It's always: Lindsay Lohan broke her wrist while jacking off a donkey in Tijuana, Paris Hilton got an STD from a panda in China, Britney is pregnant with her ump-teenth trailer trash kid or something else equally tacky.

Scarlett's last quote is the best:

“Whose life would I like to step into for the day? The president’s. I could
probably get some things done in the Oval Office.”
The president? If you asked Lindsay Lohan that question I almost guarantee it would be some nightclub owner or a DJ. And if you asked Paris where the President worked, she couldn’t tell you even if you spotted her the White and the House. And Scarlett could definitely get something done with a rack like that. It’s a well known fact that ample amounts of cleavage can solve most disputes including world hunger.

I could write all day about his girl. She is simply gorgeous, seems to have it all together, would rather spend her time working on her craft instead of partying - which is only unfortunate because her craft isn’t wearing a french maid outfit at the Holden Caulfield mansion and serving me fruity drinks by the pool - and she’s smoking hot. Did I say that already? Anyway, I’m babbling and here are the pictures from the magazine and a couple others.



HC

Fat Feats - Top 10 Sports Fatasses

There are a million Top 10 lists out there, but those have all been for athletes and athletic accomplishments that we couch potatoes could never achieve. Well, that needs to change. There need to be lists out there of things we can accomplish. So to kick off this phenomenon, I’m doing my own list, a list of fat bastards who still made significant achievements in the sporting world.

11. (Honorable Mention) - Phil “Bitch-tits” Mickelson- 6′-2″, 190 lb - 225 lb - Now I know I said this was a top 10 list, but I thought this was the perfect spot for Phil. His weight has fluctuated up and down the past several years bringing him in and out of contention for a spot on this list. Currently he sits on the outside looking in, but last year when he won the Masters he had a full set of D cups bouncing around. Once known as the “best golfer not to have won a major”, Phil finally won his first major in 47 tries by winning the 2004 Masters. He followed that up with victories at the 2005 PGA Championship and the 2006 Masters. Phil - leave the gym and eat a chili cheese dog. We want you back.

10. William “Refrigerator” Perry - 6′-2″, 370 lb - The nickname alone tells you that this former Chicago Bears defensive tackle was one huge guy. Looking more like ‘Fat Bastard’ from Austin Powers than a football player, Perry is known mainly for scoring a touchdown as a rookie in Super Bowl XX and for the gap in his teeth that you could fit a hamburger through. After his Super Bowl success, Perry really made it big by having a GI Joe action figure designed after him. The remainder of Perry’s career was relatively quiet as he played in just 138 games over an 11 year career in the NFL. The Fridge was a beast and paved the way for future great fat asses to show up at training camp 95 pounds overweight. (e.g. Larry Allen, #8 below).

9. Sebastian “Fat-foot” Janikowski - 6′2″, 250 lb- The Polish Pork-chop has been a fixture on the Oakland Raiders the past 5 seasons as their place kicker and resident jailbird. Having been arrested multiple times for offenses such as assault, bribery of a cop, and possession of GHB Seabass’ off-the-field record has overshadowed his on-the-field performance. Janikowski was the nation’s top kicker in his final 2 seasons at Florida State and has ranked in the top half of the league his entire career in the NFL — except of course when he was sidelined in 2001 for “cellulitis of the foot”! Fat-Foot?!?! Who knew that was even real until that ran on the NFL injury reports. Janikowski makes me proud of my Polish roots. A lesser fat ass would have been deported by now.

8. Larry Allen - 6′-3″, 325 - 360 lbs- Allen was an anchor of the Dallas Cowboy’s offensive line for the past 12 years before leaving in free agency to join the San Francisco 49ers this past off-season. Known for his enormous size and strength (he has benched 700 lbs, squatted 900 lbs, and is the reigning Strongman champion in the NFL), Allen is also well-known for his enormous appetite (he has been known to eat an entire large pizza and drink a 2-liter of cola before games) and sweat stains (thanks to John Madden’s telestrator). His appetite and excessive sweating ability hasn’t kept him from succeeding though as he’s been to 10 Pro Bowls and been voted All-Pro 8 times. He should have retired as a Cowboy, but I’m not telling him that to his face unless I’m armed with a giant bucket of chicken and a liter ‘o cola.

7. Cecil “Big Daddy” Fielder - 6′-3″, 240 lb - 270 lb- A power hitter in the ‘deadball’ era, Fielder hit 51 home-runs in 1990 becoming, at the time, only the 11th player to hit over 50 home runs in a season and only the 2nd in the past 25 years to accomplish that feat. Never a slim man, Fielder’s weight fluctuated throughout his career, but he reached his peak fighting weight as he helped the New York Yankees reach and win the World Series in 1996. A 3-time All-Star, Fielder gets bonus points for having a son (Prince Fielder) who weighs close to 3 bills and is the starting first baseman for the Milwaukee Brewers. God bless the American League’s designated hitter for paving the way for fat asses like Cecil and Big Papi Ortiz.

6. David “Boomer” Wells - 6′-3″, 230 lb - 260 lb - Wells, who currently pitches for the Boston Red Sox, has bounced around the league bringing his unique personality and drinking prowess to each team he’s been to. Wells has pitched for 18 seasons, accumulating 227 wins, 3 All Star selections, and was the MVP of the 1998 ALCS. He is probably best known for wearing an actual Babe Ruth hat when he pitched his perfect game in 1998. It has also been told that he drank a pitcher of beer in between each inning of that game too. God I hope that’s true. I try to replicate that feat every time I watch an Astros game.

5. Shaquille O’Neal - 7′-1″, 315 lb - 345 lb - A 4-time NBA Champion with the LA Lakers and Miami Heat, O’Neal has been a beast in the middle for the past decade. As the 1st pick overall in the 1992 NBA draft out of LSU, O’Neal was barely pushing 300 lbs but as his weight has grown, so have the accolades. A 3-time Finals MVP with the Lakers, O’Neal was the 1999 League MVP, 12 time All-Star, and voted one of the Top 50 players in the NBA. He’s also broadened his career with his rapper alias ’Shaq Diesel’ and the classic film ‘Kazaam’. Lately Shaq has even begun taking the beginnings of seasons off to get in shape so that he has to work as little as possible but can still excel during the playoffs. We can all hope that one day we’re in a position to negotiate a contract allowing us to skip the first third of the work day so we don’t have to strain ourselves later.

4. George Foreman - 6′-3″, 217 lb - 250 lb - The weight change in George Foreman didn’t just take place over a couple years, but over the 20 years in between the 2 times he held the boxing Heavyweight title. Originally a gold medalist in the 1968 Olympics, Foreman first won the title in 1973 over Joe Frazier. He didn’t win it again until 1994 when at age 45 he was outboxed for 10 rounds until he connected with a devastating right hook and knocked out Michael Moorer. Now more well-known for selling tires and electric grills, the robust Foreman hasn’t missed many meals since his career started almost 40 years ago. He is a fatty helping average joes meet their full-fat potential. You already had several ways to cook a burger (your grill or frying pan, etc…), but Foreman found a way to do it faster. That extra minute you stand around waiting for the other side of the burger to brown is a minute of calorie absorption wasted.

3. Charles “The Round Mound of Rebound” Barkley - Listed @ 6′-6″, 250 lb, Closer to 6′-4″, 300lb - One of the best power forwards to play the game, Barkley earned a reputation for saying and doing whatever he wanted on and off the court. A tireless worker on the court, he didn’t have the best work ethic off of it, resulting in his ballooning at the end of his career. A 2 time gold medalist, member of the NBA top 50 players and MVP of the 1993 NBA season, Barkley was never one to turn away from a microphone with classics like:

“I don’t care what people think. People are stupid.”


Charles Barkley: “I’m so sick of fat people.”

Kenny Smith: “Why? You can’t live with yourself?”

Barkley: “First of all, they killed Oreos. You know they can’t make the Double-Stuff Oreos anymore because fat people can’t keep their mouths shut. Now they’re killing the McDonald’s super-size. Can you believe that? Just because fat people are lazy and don’t work out and can’t keep their mouths shut, they have to ruin it for everybody. They’ll probably kill ice cream next! Is that my fault they can’t stop eating? I’m so sick of these fat people suing these companies. Stop eating!”


and my personal favorite:

Greg Gumbel: "Happy St Patrick’s Day.”

Barkley: “Great. Another reason for the Irish to go out and drink.”


I can’t wait to vote for him for President.

2. “Big” John Daly - 5′-11″, 220 lb - 250 lb - Known as one of the longest drivers on tour for the past 15 years, Daly has earned a reputation for living life fast and hard in every sense of the word. A 2-time major winner, Daly won the PGA Championship in 1991, his rookie season, and followed that up with a British Open Championship in 1995 at St. Andrews. Since then, his life has been full of ups and downs, mostly downs though with excessive gambling, drinking, smoking, and mullet-wearing. He admits to losing over $50 million gambling and only puts his cigarettes down to tee off. Daly is everything sports shouldn’t be, and we love him for it.

1. George “Babe” Ruth - 6′-2″, 215 lb - 270 lb - Arguably the greatest baseball player of all time, he was the 1st player in baseball history to hit 20, 30, 40, 50, and 60 home-runs. He also set the home-run record at 60 home-runs, which stood for 34 years until it was broken by Roger Maris in 1961. But, some of his greatest feats took place, not on the playing field, but at the local diner. Ruth was once said to have eaten 24 hot dogs in one sitting, and that was between the 2 games of a double header. He was also said to have gone to Coney Island one morning and eaten 4 Porterhouse steaks, 8 hot dogs, and drank 8 sodas just as a pregame snack. With those eating skills and hitting his last home run at a stout 270 lbs, Ruth reigns supreme of Fat Athletes.


HC

Monday, September 18, 2006

Posh's nipple, Biel's kiss, and Aguilera's hottness

– Fashion week was last week in NYC, and one of the best things to come out of it was the appearance of Victoria Beckham’s nipple. Posh Spice usually just flaunts her silicone chest through her shirt with her headlights on (as seen in the first picture with the pink jacket), but it looks like one of the twins snuck out of her black dress last week. Nipples want to see the fashions too. The real question I have is, are her nipples as fake as her boobs? I mean those water balloons are pumped up to maximum capacity and I just wonder if her nipples are actually that hard and pointy or if they’re just those plastic spouts they have on floats to blow them up. Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me one bit. And when did she become an emotionless android? The computer in War Games showed more personality.





– In my perusing of the internet lately, I found some interesting pictures. Usually, the only pictures I ever seem to find of Jessica Biel are of her working out or running with her dogs or working out and running with her dogs. BORING! So when I found pictures of her making out with a GIRL, I felt inclined to post them for you guys. Now maybe she isn’t exactly making out, but that is only because the photographer was a little slow in squeezing off a picture because he was shocked by the sheer beauty of the kiss. At least that’s what I’m going to think. Plus with a tongue like that, the possibilities are just endless.




– My favorite little giraffe woman is in the news again and is quickly becoming cliche. I’m going to keep this short and sweet because I know you need your Lindsay Lohan fix that doesn’t involve a beaver. First of all, she broke her wrist last week –most likely rubbing one out for a Def Leppard roady. And then, she went to a birthday party for her mom Dina last week that ended when her mom got sloshed (while setting a stellar example) and Lindsay told her to “Go to Hell”. Now I don’t know about the birthday parties you guys go to, but at the ones I frequent, the mom usually doesn’t get hammered, and if she does we pretend not to notice. We certainly don’t tell her to go to hell. We just eat our cake and ice cream, and discretely spike our own cups of punch. The Lohans are classy though, so I’ve got to be the one doing it wrong.


– Proving that opposites attract, I provide Exhibit A: Christina Aguilera, who is smoking hot, and her husband who is probably suppsoted to be guarding a pot of gold. Look at him trying to kiss her. He looks like a monkey trying to lick a coconut. I seriously doubt they do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.




– In what has become a national phenomenon, our WTF section brings you the cover photo to K-Fag’s new album. What on this cover would actually inspire someone to buy it? Maybe it’s the clean-cut image he’s portraying by not showing any of his poser tattoos. No, maybe it’s the cards and the smoking cigarette next to him. Nope, I’ve got it; it’s either the drink on fire or the sweet script in which ’Playing with Fire’ is written in. Yep, definitely the script. If there’s any justice in this world, the prankster who graffitied Paris’ album will get a hold of this one too. Although, what would he really do? Make K-Fed look like a smug, no-talent, piece of shit? Done and done.




– And one last note, is Pink hot or just a 12-year old boy? I’m totally confused.




HC

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Firecrotch is hitched?

Say it isn’t so. My favorite little giraffe may have gone and gotten hitched to Harry “Pink” Morton. The always reliable Star reports that Lindsay called her mom and announced “Mom, I’m getting married.” I’m going to choose not to believe this one. If it were true, we’d have seen her in a “Mrs. Morton” bikini by now. And, if I can’t have her, no one can. She’s too young, and her breasts (and other parts) are too untamed for one man.


Maybe she’ll pull out the potato sack for the honeymoon.




HC

Bond Girls, Skinny Kate, and Wonder Woman

– Where is He-Man when you need him? With Skeletor running on the loose, you would think he and Battle Cat would be right around the corner. And no, I’m not talking about that walking bag of bones, Nicole Richie. I’m talking about the once extremely attractive Kate Bosworth who now looks to be auditioning for a role as a skeleton at my local haunted house. Except with no costume…or makeup. Wasn’t she hot at one time? Actually, I know she was, and I have the proof. She was hot in Blue Crush when she didn’t look like a walking corpse. I don’t know who decided that being super-skinny and weighing less than a 10 year old were good things, but this has to stop. Eat a burger and bring back the HOT Kate Bosworth! On a side note, if you’d like to see Kate’s nipple on her gaunt figure, check out the pictures.




– Well, now that you’ve had a couple days to see the new trailer for Casino Royale (the new James Bond flick), I thought it was time for you to meet the newest Bond girl. Her name is Eva Green. She is smoking hot and has a fantastic rack (as seen in Dreamers). She’s only been in a couple of movies so far but in Casino Royale she’ll play Russian spy Vesper Lynd. And as a side-note, what happened to the sexually suggestive Bond girl names? Dr. Holly Goodhead (Moonraker), Xenia Onatopp (Goldeneye), Octopussy (Octopussy), and my personal favorite Pussy Galore (Goldfinger). I bet if Sean Connery were still Bond, he’d break all the rules of movies these days by calling women sexually suggestive names and sleeping around the entire movie. Oh how I long for those days.



– File this under the “Wait, they’ve been married 14 years?!?” category. It looks like Bobby and Whitney are calling it quits after 14 years filled with drug addiction, crack whores, and overdoses (and that’s just Whitney). One good note is that they only spawned one child, a daughter named Bobby Kristina. I’m sure she’ll grow up to be a pillar of society, a completely socially adjusted adult. Just like Macaully Culkin…


– More hotties in the news lately…Bang Showbiz is reporting that Rachel Bilson will be playing Wonder Woman in an upcoming movie. Now I barely know who Rachel Bilson is, apparently she’s on that barely watched series The O.C., so I had my crack team of sleuths pull up the Mystery Van and see what we could dig up. Well slap my ass and call me Shirley, she’s pretty darn hot! So here’s what we dug up: if you want to see what she’ll look like as Wonder Woman, watch this and if you just want to see her girl-next-door hotness, check her out here.


– And last but certainly not least, the following pictures contain a Fed-Ex truck, a Range Rover, a pair of ugly boots, a tool wearing a red shirt with a watch the size of a hand grenade and Jessica’s twins.



HC

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

LL is pantyless..again ,Britney reproduces…again, Paris punked…again, Claire Danes in Paris…again, and more…again

– The panty-less baby giraffe is at it again. I don’t know what this girl’s deal is; maybe she thinks that if she ‘forgets’ her panties enough times she’ll bump her arch-rival, Paris, from the headlines. Whatever she thinks, it’s working, because unless she starts dropping trow on a daily basis and I get tired of staring at her wrinkled bits, she’ll headline this site. Here's the uncensored picture:



– It looks like our favorite corn-dog eating champion has once again reproduced. The story came out last week that she was having Jailynn (her aptly named son - and by the way, when did Jailynn become a name, much less a GUY’S name? I know, I know, it’s her parent’s names combined, I’m just so confused by the insanity), but now it is reported that she gave birth to a 6 pound, 12 ounce ball of redneck at 2AM this morning. KFed apparently had to lay off the bong for a couple hours and drive her to the hospital for her C-section. I can only imagine how this scene played out at the Spears - Federline household:

Britney (screaming through a mouthful of ding-dongs) - “Kevin, I think my water
broke, but on the good side, I think my feet are finally clean.”
KFed (in a
smokey haze) - “Damn biatch, what have I done told you about interupting my
‘private’ time?”
Britney - “Please…pretty please will you take me? I don’t
want to have to take the bus to the hospital again! And can we get an extra bag
of Cheetos for the road?”
And so is the life of Cletus and his beautiful
bride Brandine. Here’s a pic of Brandine and a rendering of offspring #2.


– Well Paris has been spunked…I mean punked again. Richard Branson, the uber-billionaire founder of Virgin records recently threw a Mad Hatter bash for his son’s birthday. Enter Paris Hilton, the slut of all sluts, an unbelievably classless woman with no discernable talents who decided to turn this party into her very own by coming dressed as Alice. Re-enter Branson who, once he got wind of this, had all of the 60 cocktail waitresses dress as Alice so she would blend in as the waitstaff. To top it off, he “accidentally” thought she was a waitress and attempted to order a drink and walked off. Screw Ashton Kutcher, hire Branson to host the next year of Punk’d. That story was simply fantastic, needs no comments from me, and actually put a hop in my step.


– What in the world have you been up to Claire Danes? I can’t remember the last movie I saw her in besides Terminator 3, and I’m slightly embarrassed to say that I saw that movie (but damn, have you seen Arnold’s ass lately? Mmmmm). Anyway, just like I had a Kate Hudson story just for the hell of it yesterday, I’m doing the same with Claire. And just like Kate, she’s not wearing a bra. But unlike Kate, she’s wearing a white blouse that tends to be a little see-through when photographed in front of the Eiffel Tower. Damn Frenchies and their trick photography!


– In what is becoming a daily edition of WTF were they thinking, we have our newest entry, Carmen Electra. I guess these are pictures from a fashion show, but for all I know, they could be pictures from her Vegas wedding to some freak like Marilyn Manson. Or since they are remaking every movie that made at least $10, maybe this is an audition for Young Frankenstein. I bet Gene Wilder is rolling over in his grave. Oh…he’s not dead.


– And finally, the clip is out for the new James Bond Trailer. It looks good except I can’t get over the guy that plays Bond. He looks so full of himself, like some sort of blonde version of Steven Seagal. I can’t decide if it looks good or not, so you can take a gander and decide for yourself.


HC

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