Baywatch and Boobs

--Everyone has probably heard by now, but Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe are splits-ville. I just wanted to take a moment to clear things up, because there have been some nasty rumors going around about us. No, I didn't seduce Reese and steal her away from Ryan. I don't know where rumors like this start, but it's completely untrue. You see, I was just minding my own business, cleaning their pool when she seduced me and now I'm in the middle of that mess. I was really just an innocent bystander. I wanted to make sure everyone could hear it from me first before they started judging us. Have I ever lied to you before?


-- The ugo-s from Baywatch were out last night to promote their new DVDs. Why in the world would someone buy the Baywatch DVDs? All you really want to see is this clip isn't it?? Actually after rewatching that clip, I can totally see how people would buy this crap. I forgot how many hotties were on that show -- Pamela and Yasmine Bleeth at their absolute peaks, with Gena Lee Nolin and Donna D'Errico backing them up? What a 4-some.


I guess the real question is what the hell was in the water at that set? These guys all look horrible now. Pamela is half silicone now and I can smell the booze on the Hoff from here. I guess they didn't invite Donna D'Errico because they thought she'd run the catering company out of business. Unbelievable. Well, here they are at the party, Pamela in her standard see-through dress with her Frankenstein nipples and The Hoff sweating out his buzz.






-- Who in the hell is Dominique Swain? Anyone? I looked her up on Wiki & IMDB and all I could come up with is that she was in the movie Lolita. That movie wasn't a big hit since it was mainly about pedophilia which isn't usually a box office favorite in the States. Anyway, I'm no rocket scientist, but I do have functioning eyes and junk, and she's pretty damn hot. Hopefully we'll see more of her soon, but here she is now - nipple included.

-- Lucy Pinder has to be one of God's finest creations. There isn't even any argument about this: it's just a fact. You may or may not have seen her before, but she was a Page 3 girl for the Daily Star in London. You can check more of her out here, but here are 13 pictures from her new calendar. Yes, I said 13. Do they have a different calendar system in England? How would that even work? I wonder what their 13th month is called. My guess is "We'd be speaking German right now if America hadn't saved us in WWII". Damn Brits. Well, I guess at least with this import, they can be known for more than just bad teeth. But then again, she never smiles with her mouth open...

And yes, she has 32G's on her 5'-5" frame and no, there are no pictures of her naked you pervs. Actually I just couldn't find any...

HC

Halloween comes early?

I don't know WTF is going on here, but how in the hell am I not on the guest list for something like this? The costumes are just so fantastic too, I have no idea who any of these people are. Is that Oprah in the hobo dress? Thats definitely Dan Akroyd in the black dress with the black mask. And the skinny girl? That's probably just a crack whore who snuck in the back to score some free blow. Wait a minute! Those are famous people? No way. Those fantastic disguises threw me off. Scarlett Johansson in a sweet Lone Ranger mask really turns me on. Gisele Bundchen came to the party wearing 28 pieces of flair so the good news is that she can work at Chotchkie's when her Victoria Secret gig is over but the bad news is that people were probably trying to hand her change all night. And lastly we have the always classy, always drug-free dynamic duo of Kate Moss and Pete Doherty. Kate is simply stunning in her see through trash bag, white panties and feather monocle (where do you buy that?!?) while Pete came in a stunning black suit and his tradmark junkie flop sweat. What's wrong with these guys? Scarlett should have come as a super hot Wonder Woman, Gisele should have come as one of those Victorias Secret Angels and Kate Moss and Doherty should have just stayed at whatever crack den they came from.

Scarlett is only missing Tonto and Silver...



Gisele and her nipple hang out...



Kate and Pete contemplate their next addictions...




HC

Underappreciated Hotties

Here at Holden's Rants, I felt like it would be a good time to give some press to some people that aren't always plastered on our site. That doesn't mean they aren't all over the Internet, it just means they haven't been on a trashy site like mine in a while.

First up, Jennifer Garner. Jennifer has been out of the spotlight after having her first child, Violet, with Ben Affleck almost a year months ago. Well now she's back and just as good as - or maybe better than - ever. I wonder if she's been working out twice as hard since Ben's career has gone down the toilet. How pissed must he be every time he sees a preview for a movie with his buddy Matt Damon. The only offers he's got these days are probably from Hollywood Squares, but at least he's got a hot sugar momma to make the payments on his hair plugs.




Next up Petra Nemcova. And Petra's legs. What kind of dipshit is James Blunt for cheating on this specimen?? He may have had a hit song last year, but the ability to write a horrible one hit wonder is nothing like the ability to make your legs into a pretzel. With you in the middle. What a fool. What could he possibly have found better than Petra? Unless he's looking for something I don't generally look for...like maybe a dude...Here are some pics of Petra and her legs...




And here are some of Petra topless, just for good measure...

Now we have the only hot member of the octogenarian club. Sharon Stone may not really be 80 years old, but the way her career has been going lately, you would think she had scurvy or something. I guess since no one is calling, she decided to use the patented Lindsay Lohan guide to getting attention by showing off her girl parts. Works for me. If my grandma looked like this, I might pay her a visit on Chickasaw Lane.

Next we have Minka Kelly. Who the hell is Minka Kelly? I asked the same question, until I looked her up on IMDB and saw that she is in the new NBC show Friday Night Lights. And since I've watched all 3 episodes of that show and didn't recognize her, I think that shows you that NBC is doing a very poor job of showcasing this hottie. Maybe the drunk fullback on the show will bring out her dirty side...




And last up, one of my personal favorites, Heather Graham. I don't know where Rollergirl has been the last couple of years, but I miss having a little Heather Graham in my life. The only thing that would have been better is if the dress was see through. These are from the same Hollywood Film Fest that Jennifer Garner was heating it up at, so I'd like to put my request in now for tickets next year. I'll be quiet, sit in the back, and keep the drooling to a minimum.





HC

Sports Quickies

I know I haven't written about sports in what seems like months, so I decided I needed to weigh in on a couple interesting issues in the sports world today.

-- Let's start with Monday night's worst coaching decision. The Dallas Cowboys made a horrible mistake last night by benching starting quarterback Drew Bledsoe in favor of fan-favorite yet terribly inexperienced Tony Romo. I understand that Drew was having an awful game, but in a game where the Cowboys trailed by less than a touchdown (12-7) and Bledsoe had been sacked 4 times due to an ineffective offensive line, putting in a quarterback who had thrown a total of 2 passes in the NFL in his 4 years in the league was not the best option. Yes, Romo is a lot more mobile in the pocket than the statuesque Bledsoe, but so is my grandmother. Experience has to count for something in this league, and Romo's first pass / first interception was a testament to that. I don't know if head coach Bill Parcells really thought that a pseudo-rookie quarterback could do a better job than a 14 year veteran or if he just caved in to the pressure of the owner and the fans. Parcells was never susceptible to that pressure before. Maybe in his old age he's gotten a little soft, or maybe he's just quit trying. He's let Jerry "Too-Tight" Jones push him around all season on the Terrell Owens issue (do you really think that he would have let one of his players dress up like Lance Armstrong for a preseason workout 10 years ago? I think not) and now it seems like he's letting Jones and the fans push him around regarding his starting quarterback. Whatever the reason, "America's Team" looks like it's on a runaway train toward an 8-8 record no matter who starts at quarterback. At least this will give the Oakland Raiders plenty of time to start printing up their Drew Bledsoe jerseys. They won't be able to use their first pick on both a quarterback and Adrian Peterson.

-- Secondly, Kenny Rogers is a damn cheater. I don't care what he said in his news conference about having "dirt" on his hand, but it was clearly pine tar. He knows it, Jim Leyland knows it, Tony LaRussa knows it, all of America knows it (Thank you Joe Buck), and my dog knows it. Interesting how a guy with a postseason ERA of 8.83 in his 10 previous postseason starts and an 0-3 record could all of a sudden have a 23 inning scoreless streak. I would have been more likely to believe him if he had told us that he hadn't wiped his ass well enough before the game or had eaten a handful of Tootsie Rolls before the game. Last time I checked, dirt doesn't stick to your hand like syrup and Kenny, you are a giant douche bag.

-- And lastly, as far as college football goes, Ohio State and Michigan are in a class by themselves this year. USC hasn't played anyone,and I doubt they get by a rejuvenated Cal team. West Virginia looks good, but still hasn't played anyone; however, they have a chance to prove themselves against fellow unbeatens Louisville and Rutgers later this season. Everyone else has one loss already, save Boise State, but you seriously don't think they could make it to the championship game do you? Actually, just thinking about that made my head explode. Anyway, my point is that who ever loses in the Michigan - Ohio State game will probably drop too far down the poll to play in the title game. I'm not a huge Big Ten fan, but I can't wait until those two bitter rivals wage war later this year and getting a repeat performance of the battle would simply be fantastic. But instead, we'll have our 5 BCS games with about 5 decent teams and 3 guaranteed blowouts. One of these days, college football will wise up and move to a playoff system. Until then the system is flawed and always will be.


HC

Nips Ahoy!

Not much going on, but the nip slip seems to be the fad in Hollywood right now, so I thought I'd hook you guys up.

--First up, my favorite little giraffe girl. I know we've seen all of her Kibbles and Bits before, but these are new and she's still hot and a nipple is a nipple. What I'm really wondering these days is if this is really a nip slip though. In the last 2 months we've seen her sans panties twice and now her nips are out on display. Either her mom never taught her how to cover her privates in public or she's got some ulterior motive. Hmmmmm

-- Now we have a pair of OC nip slips for your enjoyment. I've never seen an episode of the OC and frankly don't even know if it's still on the air. But I do know that Rachel Bilson is "girl next door" hot and Mischa Barton ain't too bad on the eyes either.

HC