WTF is going on these days??

In my hours of perusing the web, I've come across several things that were worth noting, but not necessarily worth a full blown post. So I've decided to put all of these tid-bits into a short and sweet edition of Holden's Rants. A WTF edition if you may.

-- I don't know what the hell is going on in these pics I see John Mayer (looking like a tool as always) with Sheryl Crow in a bikini (hot??), and I'm mildly aroused, but I'm not quite sure WTF is going on in the background. There seem to be men in diapers. What this means, I'm not sure at all.



-- Apparently there is a new Ronald McDonald movie in the works because I can't come up with any other logical reasons why Natalie Portman would be dressed as Grimace walking down the streets of Paris. WTF? Either she wants to befriend the Hamburglar or she plans on auditioning for the next Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie as the Violet Beauregarde. You would think her new uber-billionaire boyfriend could afford a decent wardrobe for her.




-- Another actress who looks to be auditioning for a movie part is Rose McGowen. WTF happened to her? Now, I'll be honest here, I have no idea what she's been up to for the past couple of years, but I don't ever remember her looking as emaciated as this. It looks like she wants to play a pirate with 2 peg legs. Maybe that's a part in Pirates of the Caribbean III: Sunken Chest. Ugh.




-- I don't know if K-Fed is some kind of evil genius, but I can't believe this guy sometimes. K-Fag showed up on WWE's Raw this past week, mouthed off to the crowd and was body-slammed by one of the 'roid raged wrestlers. We all know this is fake, but W(hy)TF is this guy getting so much publicity? It's like he knows that everyone hates him, so he's playing that angle up and still getting on TV. He was even on CSI last week playing the ringleader of a gang and fittingly went by the name "Pig." Besides being the patriarch of the First Family of White Trash, I didn't think he had any discernible talents. Maybe I underestimated you K-Fag....




-- I didn't know that trannys could get pregnant but apparently they can. Mel B (aka Scary Spice) is 4 months pregnant with Eddie Murphy's child. WTF, you might say, and I'd concur. I'm sure you haven't seen Scary Spice in a while since her 15 minutes were over roughly 8 years ago, but here are some pics to refresh your memory. And yes, you may be scarred by the site of her nipples, and no I don't care.



-- And lastly, we've talked about the smuggling of various melons across the border for profit before, and now we have 2 more instances where this has happened. Obviously this is a problem running rampant in Hollywood and needs to be gotten under control. Wait a minute, WTF am I saying?!? The melon smuggling epidemic is fantastic. Anyway, first we have Patricia Arquette, who if I had known had enormous boobs, I would have watched that crappy show Medium about 100% more times. Wait, 100% of 0 is still zero....damn. And second, we have an HC all-star showing her fantastic rack for the ump-teenth time. And I'll keep posting it every time.





HC

Scarlett's back, Jessica's back, and HC's back

So as you may have noticed, I haven't posted in a couple weeks. Some of you may call me a slacker, some a lazy jackass. And to tell the truth, I'm a little of both. But in my own defense, you get what you pay for, and you really shouldn't expect any less from a guy who writes a blog about trashy celebrities, occasionally during work hours.

-- My favorite jug-gernaut Scarlett had a couple revealing articles in the last couple weeks that I couldn't pass up. First in Allure she said that:

"Contrary to popular belief, I'm not promiscuous."

Popular belief? I thought the general thought on Scarlett was that she was pretty much the "good girl with fantastic cans" surrounded by Hollywood tramps Paris and Lindsay Lohan. But maybe I was wrong. Even if she claims to not be promiscuous, she's still slutty enough to show up in my dreams every Thursday night.

She goes on to get my hopes up by saying:

"I'm not a serial monogamist" and "I do think on some basic level we are animals, and by instinct we kind of breed accordingly."

She finishes off the Alure article by discussing that she is tested for STDs and HIV twice a year. Not quite sure why she threw that out there though, unless she's just trying to look like a responsible adult. Or maybe she just wants to ease the minds of everyone who's been dreaming of being Benicio del Toro and having a steamy rendevous with her in the Chateau Marmont elevator, which by the way is the only way I'd ever consider being that sweaty, greasy cross-eyed pug. Whatever it is, I'm happy she cleared that up for all of us.

The latest on Scarlett comes from filmmaker Michael Bay who told Esquire that,

"Scarlett said, 'I'm not wearing this [expletive] bra. I'm going naked.' I said, 'Scarlett, you can't go naked, this film is PG13.'"

Wha, wha, WHAT???? Are you F'ing kidding me? She WANTED to take her bra off and you denied America this? Are you some kind of commie? Maybe Michael Bay should go back to blowing shit up and I'll handle when beautiful women want to take their clothes off. Can we all agree on that?

-- I guess the Simpson girls took some time off from being photographed by their creepy-ass dad to show off their bras and matching noses the last couple of weeks.

Well, Ashlee showed her bra



And Jessica showed some bra and a little more...





I know you have all seen these fantastic jugs before, but I can't ever pass up a chance to see this rack. Even if her hair is a little f'd up. And she makes out with her gay hairdresser. And she misses Nick Lachey's poser tattoos.

-- I'm sure you all heard that Madonna is using all of her celebrity status, fake British accent and cone bras to adopt some African kid. I don't know if she can speak in clicks already or plans on learning, but what the hell is behind this? Is she trying to compete with hot dog lips herself, Angelina Jolie? Give it up Madonna, you're done. Adopting poor kids from other countries may sound all glamorous but it really isn't. Trust me, I know. Last time I was at the beach, I adopted a hermit crab and boy was he a son-of-a-bitch. Sometimes you just can't please everyone, but at least when I was tired of my hermit crab, I could release him back into my trash can.

-- Some chick named Amber Tamblyn let her nipple loose a couple days ago. Honestly, I had no idea who she was, but apparently she's done great work including starring in Joan of Arcadia and The Grudge 2. Really though, who cares. We've seen her nipple now, so no need to go to the movies to be teased out of that.





-- And lastly, how can you pass up a video with Bikini Bull Riding?

If you don't like it, you're gay...or blind....or dead...

HC

Paris' arse, Izzy in a bikini, and the Wonders of Photoshop

-- We are going to start off today with an all too familiar topic: Paris Hilton and her inability to cover up her skanky ass. Last week, at the anniversary party for Tao in the Venetian in Vegas, Paris, Katherine Heigl (Izzy on Grey's Anatomy....grrrrr) and one of the least insane Jacksons, Janet (who was having a coinciding CD release party), were all there. Paris pulled her standard maneuver to steal all of the attention by getting hammered, standing on stage, and pulling her skirt up to show her ass cheeks. At least she decided to go with the pink panties. We've seen enough of her crab trap. Will it never end with this girl? Her dad must be so proud. I mean, who wouldn't be proud that at 25 your daughter was a world renowned tramp who had her bits on the internet every week? So, here's everyone at the party and the aforementioned ass cheeks.

Now we can get to the interesting part. From the looks of the next pictures, they had some enormous snake at the party to greet people. WTF you might ask? Well, I completely agree, but I just can't figure one thing out. This would have been the perfect opportunity to take out that trampy Hilton and it was wasted. Where is Steve Irwin when we need him now? And screw GI Joe, that snake could have been the "Real American Hero". I don't know why I'm not consulted on these things. There would definitely be a lot fewer STDs out there. And a couple other notes, why in the world is the "snake lady" wearing a corset and pasties? I'm not complaining, but if I'd known that was standard snake handler wear, I'd be going to the zoo a hell of a lot more often. And another thing, why is Janet Jackson dressed like a hobbit or some kind of extra for Star Wars at her CD release party. That makes absolutely no sense to me unless she's auditioning for a new jedi, something like Obi Wan Cleavage.

-- There were some pictures of Katherine Heigl earlier wearing some hideous outfit , so I thought you could use some pics of her in a bikini to even it out. They aren't the best quality and are from some foreign magazine that I can't understand but they aren't bad. My favorite picture is the last one because it looks like they are laughing because they are being subtitled.

-- One more note on Vegas. It looks like our resident philandering octogenarian, Hugh Hefner, is reopening the Playboy Club in Vegas. The franchise which at one time had 22 locations around the world, last closed its last doors in 1991. It will be located on the top 3 floors of the Palms casino and will feature Playboy bunnies working as waitresses and dealers. Sounds like a simply fantastic idea to me. How did we live without this for fifteen years?


-- The powers of photoshop are on full display in the newest issue of Q magazine. Of the 20 different covers celebrating their 20th anniversary, one is of a pregnant Britney Spears looking very svelte except for her baby bump. Now I don't know about the rest of you, but when I switch to my ding dongs, ho-hos and cheetos diet, I usually find it difficult to keep my rock hard abs and chiseled frame. But it looks like that works for Britney. Maybe she has some crazy metabolism where she processes twinkies better than vegetables. I guess it's possible. Actually, look at the pictures; it's not possible at all. All we want is the old spandex-wearing, chain smoking, K-Fag-less, Britney. Is that so much to ask for?

-- I haven't watched this new show 6 Degrees on ABC after Grey's Anatomy, but I'll tell you one thing, if Erika Christensen and her gi-normous boobies are prominently involved, I need to find time for this show. Or at least time on my TIVO. And when did these appear? The first picture is from a couple years ago and you can see quite a difference. I just feel like I should be informed about these things. A phone call maybe, an email notice at least?

-- And one last thing, I know we are at war and all, but is it necessary for civilians to be carrying around weapons of mass destruction out in the open? Mariah Carey had her mud cannons on full alert recently so we should all feel a little safer.

HC

Posh smuggles melons, Natalie slips, and the Sexiest Woman Alive

-- In what has developed into an ongoing topic here at HC, it looks like Posh Spice and her knockers were out again last week in the produce section. Now I know that her husband, soccer star David Beckham, just lost his spot on the English national team, but are they that hard up for money that they are in the smuggling business? And if you were going to smuggle something for a profit, wouldn't you chose something less obvious and more profitable than 2 enormous melons? Maybe the melon market is different in other countries than it is here, but I can go to my local grocery store and buy a cantaloupe or honeydew for a couple bucks. I guess the Brits have a love for melons that rivals their disdain for orthodontics.

-- Although it really has nothing to do with anything recent, some pictures of Natalie Portman's nipple surfaced from the movie Closer. I find this interesting because just a couple months ago she discussed how she wouldn't appear nude in any of her movies. And since she has already appeared nude (not really nude, but a nip slip counts for something), I think she now falls under the "Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire" category. You know what I think is funny about her? She probably has the smallest boobs in Hollywood that people are actually clamoring to see.

-- In the latest issue of Esquire magazine hitting newsstands on October 18th, Scarlett Johansson is voted Sexiest Woman Alive. What I don't get is that the magazine describes her in the pictures (shown below) as an "enigmatic trailer-park temptress." What does that even mean? If anyone should be described as trailer-park, it's my girl Britney Spears and her Walmart-feet. Anyway, the more I read about Scarlett, the more I don't know how anyone can not like her. When asked about all of the attention to her curves and hourglass figure, she says
"What about my brain? What about my heart? What about my kidneys and my gallbladder?"
Later in the article, she also talks about how in making a sign to carry while photographed by the paparazzi, she wrote "The person taking this picture is harassing me," but misspelled harass. Could she be anymore down-to-earth? And could her jugs be anymore fantastic? Here are some pictures from the magazine so you don't have to be a douche and go out and buy it.

-- And lastly, there is a great clip on YouTube of Denis Leary drunk and out of control at a recent Red Sox game. Now you might be wondering why this is anything new for Denis Leary and I have the explanation. Leary is hammered during the Red Sox broadcast on the air and discusses such things as Jewish baseball players on the Red Sox, Mel Gibson's rehab, and the possibility of an all Jewish infield for the Red Sox. Since today is Yom Kippur, I found this clip especially (in)appropriate.

HC